The Sunday Post - Issue #18

I was late to church again.  Hooray.

I almost decided to not go to church today.  Even though I know I was going to be pretty late, when I got out of the shower I, for some reason, just started getting dressed for church.  I haven't missed a day of church for about a year now.  I couldn't break that streak now.  I'm not saying that was the final reasoning I decided to go to church.  It just felt like I should go even though I ended up not really contributing to any of the meetings in any way.

So, when I first got to church, I walked through the gym so I could get a seat on the less crowded side of the chapel.  Upon entering the gym, which was quite dark, I saw two girls in the southeast corner sitting on the floor looking at stuff on their phones, and sitting in the northeast corner was a couple who were talking and kissing.  All I could think was: "Really?  I mean, come on, seriously?".  This is church.  We come here for the sacrament and to be edified in the teachings of the gospel and to be spiritually fed.  We don't come to church to skip our meetings to converse with a friend or to kiss the person we are dating.  There is plenty of time to do that elsewhere.

In sacrament, I noticed a new girl in our ward.  I knew that she was new for sure due to her blue sheet she handed our bishopric that signifies you are a new member to our ward.  She is pretty cute.  :)  We'll see what happens, stay tuned.

Time to get a little more serious here.  Lately I have been feeling like not getting up and going to church, but I do anyway.  The best way I can describe it would be like this:  I'm on a giant set of stairs that seems endless.  Kind of resembling like and my progression in the gospel, my faith and conversion if you will, even just life in general.  Now, the stairs are not small steps that you can easily climb, they are bigger and take a stride or two, or more, to get across.  The way I feel is that the steps behind me are crumbling, they are the past but also just the bad things in life, darkness and whatnot.  I feel like I barely have time to get to the next step just as the one I'm on is crumbling as I leave it.  I feel like I am that close to failing and falling into the darkness.  All I can say is that it doesn't feel good.

Anyway, even though I'm friendly and know most people in our ward I'm still more of a lone wolf.  This guy named Josh, who just came back from his mission, has been sitting next to me and always talks to me.  You can tell that he genuinely cares and it is quite refreshing because there are far too many who don't.  Props to Josh.

The sisters in the ward are doing a Book of Mormon reading challenge which was brought up in elder's quorum.  So I guess its now a ward thing.  Josh and I shook hands on accepting the challenge together.  The challenge started today and ends March 2nd, to read the whole book.

Random thing I just remembered, we were reminded that next week is Linger Longer, a Valentine themed one at that.  Which made me think of Valentine's Day and all the crap that it's about.  That's right I said it.  It's just another scam of a day to market a bunch of junk and overpriced flowers/roses to any sucker who will partake of this holiday.  If I was married/engaged/dating someone, I would, of course take them out on a date on Valentine's Day.  I might, MIGHT, buy them flowers/roses or something as well.  But I still think it's all bunk.  I would be treating my wife/fiancee/girlfriend right all the time, not just when this silly "holiday" comes around.  She would be my special somebody all the time, my best friend.  I don't need a holiday to treat her like that, to show her, or know what she means to me.  Also, it doesn't help that I'm usually single when this day rolls around each year.  Not bitter really, just more of an annoyance if anything.

Quote of the Day(Courage):

"My young friends, be strong. . . . You know what is right and what is wrong, and no disguise, however appealing, can change that [truth]. If your so-called friends urge you to do anything you know to be wrong, you be the one to make a stand for right, even if you stand alone."  -  Thomas S. Monson, Video Presentation: I Have a Purpose, Ensign, May 2010, 124.

The Sunday Post - Issue #17

Something is missing.  Maybe a few somethings at that.

A little story before I go into a little more depth about my missing somethings.  Growing up I was short.  I'm talking one of the shortest kids in the whole grade.  Oddly enough I wasn't bullied but that is heading into a different direction than I intend.  What I remember is being short and looking up at that tall basketball hoop sitting, what appeared to be a bajillion miles, above me.  I didn't know how to properly shoot the ball or dribble or any sort of tip or technique to accomplish anything about this sport.  I knew how to bounce the ball of course.  The thing that I remember most is starting out, being super short and skinny,  trying to shoot the ball.  Well, to be honest, I wasn't trying to shoot the ball I was merely trying to get the ball up to/near the rim.  I would throw the ball.  It fell short, by a lot.  I tried again.  Again, it fell short.  Again.  Again.  Again.  Again.  Again.  Again.  Again.  Again.  Again.  Again.  Again.  Eventually I got the ball to go higher.  And higher.  And higher.  Then it hit the rim.  And again I hit the rim.  I got to the point to where I could constantly throw the ball and hit the rim and backboard.  I accomplished this feat.  But I didn't stop there.  I was shooting the ball now.  Farther from the hoop, back behind the three-point line.  I learned how to dribble and picked up a tip on how to shoot which was golden for my short self.  I got to the point where I was a stellar shot.  My one-on-one skills weren't great but that didn't matter, my shot was amazing.  We used to play a lot of "Tornado" and I would win the majority of the time.  So how did I get to that point?  Drive.  I had the drive to accomplish something I wanted to do.  Some would say it was motivation, but to me they are two different things.  Motivation to me is something like: "If I do that I will get ice cream", or you have someone like a friend or wife/husband cheering you on, motivating you to reach the end of a race or whatever.  Drive, to me, seems like it is just something inside you that pushes you forward.  They are pretty similar.  But I just looked them both up and I really like this definition of drive: to impel; constrain; urge; compel.  Something inside me was simply urging me, compelling me to keep pushing forward, there wasn't anything that was truly motivating me.  Anyway, that story just shows that I once had the drive to move forward, the will was there.  Now, though, is a different story.

Church is, well, church.  Except my drive is gone.  These last two Sundays I have been late.  When I say late I mean forty or more minutes late.  Yeah, it's pretty bad.  Now, I'm not going through the motions.  I still pay attention to talks and lessons to try to learn something and other various things.  But it seems like I'm near the point of giving up on this ward.  Like I've outgrown it and that I have exhausted every option available.  So my desire to go to this singles ward has greatly diminished.  So why do I say I have lost my drive?  Because it goes beyond the singles ward.  My drive in life is gone too.  I hear so many times of people talking about stories of people who didn't have the gospel in their life and how hard their lives were and blah blah blah, but once they accepted the gospel and was actually living it that so many things changed for the better and you could see all the many blessings that have been bestowed upon them.  I'm sure a lot of those stories are true.  But not all of them.  I look at my life and how I have been trying so hard to be the best me possible, to live righteously, honestly, and just good, but nothing changes.  Things just stay the same.  Where are these so-called blessings for living the gospel and trying to be a good person?  Because I sure as heck don't see them in my life.  I only see other people get blessings and them moving on with their lives.  This factor seems to play a part in my drive in life but isn't the whole reason.

This lack of drive has gotten to me.  I have been feeling like I shouldn't even go to church especially when I'm really late but I go anyway.  So maybe I do have a smidgen of drive left but it's being consumed as we speak.  I feel like disappearing.  Not that it matters because it feels like I have been gone for a long time.  I really think that no one in my ward would really care if I truly vanished.  They would all just think I moved on in my life.  But I can't assume that.  It's never really safe to assume anything, ever.

*Random thing I've been wanting to point out.  Before Winter came with all of it's annoying snow sticking to my car and jacking up my windows from the inside, there was a time of glorious weather where upon parking in the institute building for church you could see on the very far side of the parking lot  where people were with their motorcycles.   What were they doing you ask, simply this: learning how to ride them and putting forth the time to complete the courses to get their permits  to ride those bad boys.  I miss seeing that.  It was something I looked forward to seeing each Sunday, even though it was only for a minute or less.  It made me think of how I wanted to be over there learning how to ride a motorcycle, how I've always wanted to do that.

Quote of the Day(Service):

"My brothers and sisters, we are surrounded by those in need of our attention, our encouragement, our support, our comfort, our kindness, be they family members, friends, acquaintances, or strangers. We are the Lords hands here upon the earth, with the mandate to serve and to lift His children. He is dependent upon each of us."  -  Thomas S. Monson, What Have I Done for Someone Today?  Ensign, Nov. 2009, 86