The Sunday Post - Issue #17

Something is missing.  Maybe a few somethings at that.

A little story before I go into a little more depth about my missing somethings.  Growing up I was short.  I'm talking one of the shortest kids in the whole grade.  Oddly enough I wasn't bullied but that is heading into a different direction than I intend.  What I remember is being short and looking up at that tall basketball hoop sitting, what appeared to be a bajillion miles, above me.  I didn't know how to properly shoot the ball or dribble or any sort of tip or technique to accomplish anything about this sport.  I knew how to bounce the ball of course.  The thing that I remember most is starting out, being super short and skinny,  trying to shoot the ball.  Well, to be honest, I wasn't trying to shoot the ball I was merely trying to get the ball up to/near the rim.  I would throw the ball.  It fell short, by a lot.  I tried again.  Again, it fell short.  Again.  Again.  Again.  Again.  Again.  Again.  Again.  Again.  Again.  Again.  Again.  Eventually I got the ball to go higher.  And higher.  And higher.  Then it hit the rim.  And again I hit the rim.  I got to the point to where I could constantly throw the ball and hit the rim and backboard.  I accomplished this feat.  But I didn't stop there.  I was shooting the ball now.  Farther from the hoop, back behind the three-point line.  I learned how to dribble and picked up a tip on how to shoot which was golden for my short self.  I got to the point where I was a stellar shot.  My one-on-one skills weren't great but that didn't matter, my shot was amazing.  We used to play a lot of "Tornado" and I would win the majority of the time.  So how did I get to that point?  Drive.  I had the drive to accomplish something I wanted to do.  Some would say it was motivation, but to me they are two different things.  Motivation to me is something like: "If I do that I will get ice cream", or you have someone like a friend or wife/husband cheering you on, motivating you to reach the end of a race or whatever.  Drive, to me, seems like it is just something inside you that pushes you forward.  They are pretty similar.  But I just looked them both up and I really like this definition of drive: to impel; constrain; urge; compel.  Something inside me was simply urging me, compelling me to keep pushing forward, there wasn't anything that was truly motivating me.  Anyway, that story just shows that I once had the drive to move forward, the will was there.  Now, though, is a different story.

Church is, well, church.  Except my drive is gone.  These last two Sundays I have been late.  When I say late I mean forty or more minutes late.  Yeah, it's pretty bad.  Now, I'm not going through the motions.  I still pay attention to talks and lessons to try to learn something and other various things.  But it seems like I'm near the point of giving up on this ward.  Like I've outgrown it and that I have exhausted every option available.  So my desire to go to this singles ward has greatly diminished.  So why do I say I have lost my drive?  Because it goes beyond the singles ward.  My drive in life is gone too.  I hear so many times of people talking about stories of people who didn't have the gospel in their life and how hard their lives were and blah blah blah, but once they accepted the gospel and was actually living it that so many things changed for the better and you could see all the many blessings that have been bestowed upon them.  I'm sure a lot of those stories are true.  But not all of them.  I look at my life and how I have been trying so hard to be the best me possible, to live righteously, honestly, and just good, but nothing changes.  Things just stay the same.  Where are these so-called blessings for living the gospel and trying to be a good person?  Because I sure as heck don't see them in my life.  I only see other people get blessings and them moving on with their lives.  This factor seems to play a part in my drive in life but isn't the whole reason.

This lack of drive has gotten to me.  I have been feeling like I shouldn't even go to church especially when I'm really late but I go anyway.  So maybe I do have a smidgen of drive left but it's being consumed as we speak.  I feel like disappearing.  Not that it matters because it feels like I have been gone for a long time.  I really think that no one in my ward would really care if I truly vanished.  They would all just think I moved on in my life.  But I can't assume that.  It's never really safe to assume anything, ever.

*Random thing I've been wanting to point out.  Before Winter came with all of it's annoying snow sticking to my car and jacking up my windows from the inside, there was a time of glorious weather where upon parking in the institute building for church you could see on the very far side of the parking lot  where people were with their motorcycles.   What were they doing you ask, simply this: learning how to ride them and putting forth the time to complete the courses to get their permits  to ride those bad boys.  I miss seeing that.  It was something I looked forward to seeing each Sunday, even though it was only for a minute or less.  It made me think of how I wanted to be over there learning how to ride a motorcycle, how I've always wanted to do that.

Quote of the Day(Service):

"My brothers and sisters, we are surrounded by those in need of our attention, our encouragement, our support, our comfort, our kindness, be they family members, friends, acquaintances, or strangers. We are the Lords hands here upon the earth, with the mandate to serve and to lift His children. He is dependent upon each of us."  -  Thomas S. Monson, What Have I Done for Someone Today?  Ensign, Nov. 2009, 86