Like The Weather

Ahhhhhh. That felt great.

I had been wanting to go running. Alas, I don't have any one to go running with, but that is a very minor thing that doesn't even matter. I woke up with the thought that today would be the day I go running. I've been wanting to but its been raining a lot, which I love, but hardly fun to go running in.

I got home and simply did various things. Ate dinner, and then I went out on the deck and was deciding if I should go or not, and I came to a conclusion that deciding to go or not was silly. If I wanted to do it, just go and do it. So I did.

It felt amazing to be running once again. Perfect time to go too. I came across a handful of people only. It was nice and quiet.

On my way back I noticed the sunset, which I often do along with sunrises, it was nice but nothing compared to others that I've seen. When I looked at the sunset I couldn't help but think of the awesome sunsets and sunrises that I had seen in Malaysia, nothing will compare to those, they were simply breathtaking. And the thunderstorms with the sun hidden behind the mass hordes of clouds with the lightning coming every now and then and the pure silence afterwards. Silence. No thunder. Nothing will ever come close to those sunsets.

I will probably go again next week. It was good to get out and run and use up some energy.

I better get my sleep. Like it matters, my dog will just wake me up early, as usual. Such a cute little punkette though.

Just What I Needed

There is nothing better than starting your day off listening to "The Cars".

And apparently you can't change your font on here anymore. Now that is lame. Good thing I have amazing music to listen to.

Nothing new really. Just that I might have been overthinking how hard the certification test will be. And that the movie "Drag Me To Hell" was a stupid movie. It was scary only in the sense that it made you jump here and there, ever so slightly, and that it isn't your typical ending to a movie. Which is why I probably didn't like it, the ending made me mad. But hey, if you want to watch it, go for it.

Time to go back to my uneventful Friday night. Chillin and relaxing.

Heart Of Asia

Some times I wish that God would take me instead of other people.  Don't take that poor boy away in a car accident, take me instead.  Don't take that woman with a bullet, take me instead.

Every time I see certain people, it always brings it back so vividly.  I wish they would let me redeem myself.  I messed up my one chance, according to stupid rules that I have no idea why they are there.

I had never planned on going.  Never had the inclination, reason, motivation, or desire to go.  But somehow I ended up going.  I regret going only because of these memories that will never leave me.  I regret coming back.  I regret coming back so very much.  

I regret so many things in my life.  And I know that there is no point in regretting things, because you can't go back no matter how much you want to.  You.  Can't.  Go.  Back.  I can't help it though, I feel it inside me and it makes me sad.  I can't even stop crying.

Please Lord, don't take that baby, take me instead.

My life just seems so meaningless since I came back.  Every time I take a step forward I'm somehow three steps back.  I simply wish that I had stayed. I haven't been to church in a long time because I don't feel like I should be there since I chose to come back.  But I know that is just a dumb excuse, I know that I have been forgiven.  But I just seem to not be able to forgive myself.  Don't you ever feel like you were meant to do something great?  I had a chance to do something amazing and I messed it up.  Maybe I can create something, like music, to inspire people to make up for my mistake.  Just maybe I'll get a chance to do something.  Maybe I can redeem myself in the future.  I know it sounds silly, but I've always felt like I was meant for something great.

I was a missionary.  If but brief.  But I was one.  I was told to never forget that.  I served in the Singapore mission, which was Singapore and Malaysia.  I chose to come back early, which I regret so deeply that my heart hurts and aches for a way to go back and change things.  I have prayed many times concerning this matter.

My friend has decided to go on a mission.  Which has brought mine to thought far stronger than it has for a long while.  Go because you want to go.  Go because you want to serve God.  Go because you care about the people.  Don't go because you will be blessed, or your family will be blessed, or because your family wants you to, or because you can't get married, or because you want to go somewhere new and different.  Don't go for the wrong reasons, whatever they are.  And don't you give up.  Don't you EVER give up.  God answers prayers.  I know this firsthand.  Don't come back until it is your time to come back.  Go for the right reasons.

I don't want anyone's pity.  I just wanted you to know.  And for me to know as well, maybe writing it out will relieve the pain and heartache by a fraction of a sliver.

That old Englishman was right.  I knew he was all along.  I didn't listen to him.  He was right.  I regretted it.  And still do.  He was bloody right.

How can any one like me, when I hate myself?  After coming back I was released and told the same thing that is told to all the others, to focus on school and finding someone to marry.  But how can any one like me?  They all want that returned missionary.  They have this fixated ideal image of a guy, some find it, some don't.  But no one even gives me the time of day, not a chance at all.  I'm just dirt that is to be brushed aside.  Maybe if they dusted me off they would see what is underneath all that dirt.  If only they took a chance.  I know this isn't very attractive, putting myself down.  I'm normally confident.  But hey, I'm breaking down here.

If only I had stayed.  If only I could turn tomorrow into yesterday.  The old man was right, always was.  I can never forget these memories, they are burned into my skull.  Burned into my skull.  For forever.  I will always welcome the rain to drench me, always.  Because I can not forget.  I will not forget.  I see so many of their faces.  I see so many of the places I went to, time and time again.  I will never forget.  I must not forget.

Back To Gray

There really isn't a point any more.  There never really was one.  Just going through the motions now, have been for quite some time.

No one even reads this.

Man how I've missed listening to "The Thermals".  I wish I had friends who loves music as much as I do, and it wouldn't hurt to have some common grounds in music taste.  Most of the friends I have left rarely listen to music and wouldn't even know who "Fleetwood Mac" is, whereas I listen to music every day and know many bands.  I even have a friend who doesn't listen or care for lyrics to songs.  I mean, come on, really?!  What the hell???  Lyrics are apart of the song, some songs are popular because of their lyrics.  Some lyrics are simply amazing and play just as big a role as the instruments.  If you don't care about the lyrics listen to instrumental music only, or better yet go shove a ten foot pole up your butt because you're an idiot.  Music, all forms and parts of it, have gotten me through some tough times.  I LOVE MUSIC!

I will own drums one day.  Soon hopefully.  To create music, now that would be sweet.

I've been ranting and raving too much lately, but I have to let it out some how.  Too much has been festering within.  But like I said before, no one reads this, or really cares, so I'll just keep going through the motions living in my small unimportant portion of the world I live in.

Manic Monday.

Hmmmmm, where to begin?  Skip all the boring stuff and then--!  I was stopped at a red light, in the turning lane on 90th, waiting to get on the freeway and the car behind me had a familiar face.  Too familiar.  It couldn't have been her?  Could it?  Was it actually possible that it was her?  She looked at my car like she thought it was mine, kind of did a double take and then, AHA! it is and then proceeded to shy away hoping I wouldn't recognize who she was.  But I'm not quite sure still, it only seemed like she did all that.  It wasn't her car, even though it was the same color, the model and license plate were not the same, then again she could be driving a newer car or someone else's car.  The only way to find out is ask her but that is something I will never do.

As I was proceeding north on the freeway I was behind a car with a peculiar license plate.  The numbers and letters were odd in such a way that maybe it was a message.  Their not my numbers, but there were three of them and added together gives you a prime number, which my numbers do as well.  And the letters....  odd that.

Another car incident!  This, lets see how to put this nicely if possible, this idiot goes at the green, and IF he would of followed the bloody lane he would of been fine but he's dumb and doesn't know how to stay within the boundaries of a simple lane and proceeds to cut me off coming back in the lane he was in.  So I keep following this fool per chance and as I'm approaching my turn off of State, I see he is going to go straight, right?  HA!  WRONG!  I had already changed lanes and was going for it and he decides that he NOW of all times wants to turn off of State at the light too, but I didn't let him, not after the crap he pulled off earlier.  And guess what?!  Yup, he ended up going to the same place I was.  Honestly, people these days.

Ah, forgot to mention the flaming buffoon in their Mustang.  Oh goody for you, you have a Mustang and can drive fast!  WHOOP DEE DOO!  Hey look!  I can drive FAST too, weird!!!  Real smart that one, lets drive really fast for two seconds because I'm "cool" in my Mustang and then I have to stop because I'm dumb and changed lanes and got behind a slow person.  Real smart.  Bloody idiot.

Enough of this nonsense, I'm off to eat.

Sweet Nothings

So I have finally decided to post up my poem that I had wrote the other day.  There was a muse for this poem, if you want to know what the inspiration was feel free to ask.  My sister says that the poem is very romantic and that its really good, but I don't think its as good as some of my others, and I don't know about "romantic" haha.  Anyways, enjoy.

A poem, written by, Jesse A. S., on May 27th and 28th, 2009.

Sweet Nothings

My heart has feelings, that it can't get out.

The words will form, but then fall all about.

My thoughts are a mess, I simply don't know what to do.

There is only one thing on my mind, I only think of you.

I whisper into the wind, hoping it'll reach you.

Because me plus you, will make an even two.

I'm just wishing that you'll give me a chance.

You never know, we could make a sweet romance.

My heart beats in time with the rhythm of a drum.

While you have your guitar, and are ready to strum.

As we make our song, and music together,

We will be lost in time, lost in forever.

When the music starts up, I'll ask you to dance.

You'll reply with a yes, and give me your glance.

We'll dance out on the floor, we'll dance the night away.

I'll hold you close to me, I'll never let you stray.

When the music slows down, I'll move in for a kiss.

I hope you won't reject me, and make it a miss.

I want to press my lips against your lips.

To be able to touch your face with my fingertips.

I want to hold your hand in mine.

Maybe then, our lives will intertwine.

Everyday I want to see your beautiful face.

To get lost in each others eyes, leaving no trace.

I'll whisper sweet nothings in your ear.

Just take a chance on me, there's nothing to fear.

I'll always be there when you'll need me.

Because you have always been beautiful to me.