What do the following have in common?
- Not finishing college
- Coming home from my mission early
- Not finishing my A+ certification
- Not getting my headshot taken for auditioning
- Stopped playing soccer/basketball
- Stopped learning ASL
The above list, (of the main things I can remember), all have been things that have been left unfinished. Things that were left behind, things I gave up on, things I quit.
I'm really not a quitter. Deep down inside this empty shell of mine I'm a fighter. I will think and ponder until I can figure out an answer to a problem, especially ones that intrigue me. I fight for what I believe in.
The thing that I keep thinking about when I look at that list is simply this: unsuccessful.
I am superbly successful at being unsuccessful. The conclusion my brain keeps bringing up is: Am I afraid to succeed? And I can't help but think on this question. A lot. Am I really afraid that I can make a difference? Am I afraid that I can do whatever I want? Am I afraid I can actually do something I like and be good at it? Am I afraid that I can actually have a decent paying job to support a family? I look at each thing on my list and the things not on it and I reflect upon them one at a time. And in the end I really believe that I am afraid of success. The thing is, I don't know why I am.
I have many useless skills. I can make either eye go lazy, that can pretty much do nothing for me. But other ones like having the uncanny ability to waste time like a professional definitely becomes a problem. Along with my unmatched power to procrastinate anything and everything(not literally, but some times it rings all too true). This isn't who I remember. This isn't me. And I don't know how to change it.
Take today for example. I was supposed to call the college to set an appointment with the counselor, I was also supposed to study up on my math so I can take the math placement test (for the 3rd bloody time) so I don't have to take Math 1010 again. Did I do either of those? No, not at all. I didn't even do the dishes. What did I do instead? I wasted my time. I don't know how so much of my time just disappears but it does. Facebook doesn't help either. Michelle is right on this topic, she talks about it in her blog, and she definitely has the right idea to stop using it. It's not only a time waster, not always but far too often it is, it is depressing. It really is. "Oh you're married!!! And you've been married for many years!" or "Oh you have kids and this nice job!" and it forces our human nature to compare all that crap to ourselves. With me being so unsuccessful at success it brings me down. I'm just trying to be the best me that I can be, but I really hate my human nature.
Some things on and off this list can be finished while others are already a done deal.
I don't fail at life, I merely don't succeed at it. I try and try and try. And try some more. Looks like the hand dealt to me has "unsuccessful" written all over it. All I can do is play my hand the best way possible and take what tricks I can. For now.
Unsuccessful At Success
The Sunday Post - Issue #15
Aye, I know it has been a while for "The Sunday Post" but there just wasn't much to write or say from my eyes perspective. Until now.
So my normal church block is from 11:00am to 2:00pm. Glorious time, I absolutely love it. Today was a different story. Today we had to meet at 1:00pm to 4:00pm. *insertgrumpyface* Not my ideal time frame at all. The reason behind our time shift was because another stake was having their stake conference, thus they hogged our normal time slot, which in turn slightly inconvenienced me but also helped me. Now how in the heck did it help me you ask, well because I had more time to practice my talk.
That's right. My talk. I had to speak in church today. Let me rephrase that, I chose to speak today.
Funny thing about today though was the fact that upon getting to church early the lights were off in our chapel. And they weren't coming on. Apparently for some reason the lights in the whole building went out after the stake conference and well yeah. We kept the side doors open, so the only light came in from one side or from your cell phone. We started sacrament meeting, we sang a hymn, conducted some ward business, sang the sacrament hymn, passed the sacrament, had speaker number one talk, all without the lights. They flickered on when speaker number two got up to speak and they stayed on. Then we all sang another hymn and I gave my talk. Interesting to say the least.
We had our linger longer today and it was combined with another ward. As I started typing this I thought that we should do more combined linger longers, was definitely better that's for sure. I even got a females phone number. She's cute, we'll see if there is anything there worth pursuing.
So in other news, since I've been home from my mission, I think I've been on a total of two dates. That is TWO dates in FOUR years. If my calculations are correct. I would of had been on more but being rejected, given a fake number, having them say yes and then flake on you, or the fact they are already dating someone, plays a large role into that factor. Sad thing is that both dates I had were within this last year and one of them I knew wasn't going to go anywhere. So, hooray? Hahaha.
My sister is right though, I'm a good guy, I'm a gentleman. She said I should start being a jerk to girls that way they will all flock to me because they all love that type of guy. There is some truth to it. But I don't want to have to be someone I'm not. If someone cannot accept who I am then they are not worth my time. Nice guys finish last, in my case looks like I've been disqualified from the race. I don't even get to finish last.
There are some future possible prospects. But I'm running out of those. Just trying to keep a positive outlook and trust in my faith in God. It's hard being my age, still single, and it doesn't help that I live with people who don't go to church. It has definitely been taking its toll on me. I try to keep wearing a smile on my face though. It can be tough though, that's for sure.
I'm excited for tomorrow though, we are going to Temple Square as a stake. Hopefully I can talk to a few girls I've been wanting to talk to. Plus I hope I can get some good pictures while I'm there.
Quote of the Day (Conversion):
"The best way to make a permanent change for good is to make Jesus Christ your model and His teachings your guide for life." - Richard G. Scott, "He Lives! All Glory to His Name!", Ensign, May 2010, 78
It's Jacket Weather
Ahhhhh, Fall. I love Fall for so many reasons.
The weather cools down. It's not too hot nor too cold.
It's perfect for wearing jackets. I love jackets. Mind you, I didn't say hoodies. Hoodies are lame because you have to pull them over your head and well yeah. Jackets, with zippers and a hood, are always so cool looking. If I could, I would totally have a closet full of jackets and nothing else. When I go shopping for shirts it is rare that I find something I actually like, but jackets on the other hand...... I swear there always a ton that are appealing to my eyes and style.
Another marvelous thing about Fall is that all the leaves are changing colors. I love going to look at trees in a canyon or in a park, nature is drawing us a beautiful picture.
The beginning of Fall also means that it is hunting season. Oh yeeeeeaaaaahhhhh. Even if I didn't draw out, someone in the family usually does which means I can go camping/hunting. Waking up way to early for any sane person, change clothes in the freezing mountain air, drinking some hot chocolate, and riding with family members to go hunting. Gotta love it.
Another crazy good thing about Fall is Halloween. Not because of the holiday really, but when the holiday comes around this comes with it: ***
That's right. Franken Berry. This has been one of my favorite cereals growing up and I was saddened the day they stopped making it year round, so when Halloween comes around I get excited because I can eat me some of this delicious artificial strawberry flavor frosted cereal with spooky-fun marshmallows.
Fall also brings with it many birthdays within my family, so we get to celebrate those which is always nice. October is chock full of them! :)
Last, but not least, Thanksgiving. A holiday where we gorge ourselves on many foods, surrounded by family members, friends, and whoever else. A holiday where we share what we are thankful for in our lives. A lovely time indeed.
***Bonus points to the person who can name the movie playing in the picture. I even enlarged it some more, doubt anyone can guess it though, hard to tell by that scene alone.
*More bonus points to the one who can name the movie that I'm referencing in this post's title. I'm not directly quoting them, but I will here: "That's Julia's jacket! She took off on Notson Street, remember? She said it wasn't jacket weather anymore."
