So Here We Are

I have things to say. As always. But I find it more and more difficult to get the right words out, let alone the feelings.

Its always the same old crap anyways. Lonely, depressed, wishing certain things would finally come to an end, hoping I can release all my regrets, wanting to fill this emptiness inside me, and who knows what else.

I feel like I can do nothing right and that my life is meaningless. I see a lot of people progressing in their lives and I seem to be standing still. I can't seem to move forward like other people, instead all I can do is walk in circles and revisit the same things over and over again. And so here we are at the beginning once again.

If I continue down the road any farther it will most likely not bode well with me. I must channel my energies in a positive and healthy way instead of sitting around being idle and letting my energy go to waste and with the possibility of becoming corrupt. I look at a certain individual and I don't want to end up as them, having done nothing of true value with their life except waste it away day by day by only caring for themselves and having fun. I could be wrong though, after all I don't see them all the time.

I just feel wronged by so many old "friends". I only have a mere handful of friends nowadays, and who truly knows which ones are real friends I can trust. I'm not just lonely in a companion sort of way but also in the friends category. I've always wanted a best friend that would last throughout all the years, kind of like the movie "13 Going On 30", but my life has been void of that kind of friendship. I did have one in elementary but they moved away and that void could never be filled by anyone. Too many people these days are flaky or untrustworthy, or simply talk bad about you behind your back. I've simply become ever-so-more introverted over the years. I tend to keep to myself very akin to a hermit. I'm sure I helped destroy some friendships, but only some, many more that I tried hard to keep together but my efforts were useless. Now I'll be lucky just to get a response to any kind of simple message or hello.

:/

I've given up on any kind of romantic relationship. If, or if not, anything happens, it'll be because it was supposed to. If I'm meant to remain single then so be it. If I find someone then it was meant to happen.

Me becoming more introverted and exhausting all options of meeting new people, even by being extroverted for moments, I've simply come to the conclusion that I'm done with the "dating" scene. If I could even get a date.

I feel some big change coming soon. I don't know why. But things in my life will definitely be changing with the wind that is coming in. Depending on what I choose, things will never be the same. That doesn't go too well with a stubborn Taurus who loves his routine of how things are and hates changing them. Not to mention if it is working why "fix" something that isn't broken? Sometimes though things can work more efficiently than they previously have been and will be better for you. Sometimes you don't know if the change will be better, its a gamble, a risk if you will, that you'll be taking that might benefit you or make things worse. Its definitely time to roll the dice and hope it comes out for the better. All I know is that its time for a change and its here. Things can't stay the way they are, its not good or healthy. I can't keep walking in circles anymore. I can't be standing at the bloody beginning anymore. I must progress forward. I have to.

I've said much more than I anticipated for. I meant for a quick, small rant of some sort and instead all that came out and no words are left. Especially since I paused for 5 minutes and 56 seconds to dance vigorously to "Queen - Bohemian Rhapsody" and came back with nothing left to say.

Test Pattern

Project 19, Update Log #1 -

The project has had a rough start. Many unknown factors have been coming up, which has extended the spectrum by a large degree. The project itself was like a plane taking off for the first time ever. With no flight plan. At night. In a storm. But it has already taken off, slow and hard as it may be.

Some of the main factors I have corresponded to a letter in the alphabet.

Factors:
T - This still needs quite an improvement. Latest efforts have shown improvement in this factor.
U - Improvements have been made but has slowed down, further efforts will probably need more motivation of some sort.
V - No real improvements have been made in this factor. Currently not a major concern for specific reasons.
W - This is a very important factor. Progress is improving at times and other times not. I'm trying my hardest to make things happen in this factor.
X - This factor requires a decrease, which has slowly been in effect for a long time, and has lately been improving by larger margins.
Y - This factor has been ignored for quite some time now, but will soon be reinstated for it is quite important.
Z - This factor is probably the most screwed up one of them all, major reconstruction must be done in order for things to become stable.

All in all, Project 19 has a long ways to go and has only just begun its journey. No real ground work has been laid which is very bad. As you know, a strong foundation must be made, thus the beginning of construction has begun.

-END LOG #1-

In other news....well there really isn't other news to be had. I've decided to cut my program short and not finish the last block because I don't see it benefitting me in any real way and because I really need, and want, a job. That about sums it up, nothing exciting has happened in my dull and quiet life.

Another Time

Yesterday was quite delightful.

The beginning of August came far too quickly, so fast that I forgot what it signified. The Salmon Supper-------!

I was able to go down south with some of my family, meet up with some relatives at their house, and then went to the Salmon Supper. The supper always consists of the same stuff, fresh salmon from Alaska, an ear of corn, a roll, a baked potato, a cookie, coleslaw(ewww), and a bottle of water. Live entertainment, a bajillion people eating and waiting to get their food. It was a glorious feast as always.

And as always I botch things up. Just as our group was finishing up their plates, a very beautiful girl sits down with a small child a mere two or three seats away, along with another older female. She had no ring on, and apparently it was her child by the tone of voice she'd take with the little boy. She appeared to be around my age and single, but I let the moment slip by. For a handful of minutes I got to enjoy the beauty of this white skinned, dark dark brown(or black) hair, wearing a red shirt, girl. Our crew got up and walked over to the music stage to watch them play for the last little bit, which gave me plenty of time to go back and talk to the girl, but I didn't. I felt the urge to go talk to her, but not quite. I seem to always be in such a weird feeling situation but most of the time I don't follow through with it. Even if I do, nothing appears to come of my actions. Just a weird transaction of words amongst two people is what normally seems to take place. There might be a ripple effect but most likely not.

I should of talked to her, but I didn't. Like I said before I botched it again. Nothing I can do about it now. Maybe I'll be able to do it right another time. Just maybe!

At least the fish was amazing.

Bottles To The Ground

So, I've been meaning to update on various things that come and go, but I end up doing other things and have forgotten some of what I wanted to mention. Today, though, was quite nice.

A couple of days ago I happened to be driving in a particular area and had my windows down and smelled such a wonder! I was puzzled to where it was coming from but my nose pinpointed to a place called "Famous Daves". It smelled oh-so-delicious. Today though.... Today I got the chance to go to "Famous Daves" for the first time ever. Yes, I said the first time ever. Let me tell you, it was scrumptious beyond meaning. I plan on going there again in the very near future. I wish I could eat more though because its all so good and my mere human stomach of pitiful size can only consume such a finite amount of deliciousness.

Another thing I wanted to mention was that I'm not a big flip-flop type of person, but I do wear them, a week ago or so, I decided to drive while wearing flip-flops to go pick up food. Yeah, lets just say that it was weird.

My plan is set in motion finally. We shall see how well it turns out. We'll call it Project 19, for any future references and updates on it.

And a final thank you for the anonymous for their comment. It truly meant a lot to me and I appreciate it very much. I hope you keep reading. :)