On A Freezing Chicago Street

So, I went to church for the first time in a long time.

Wow, really. Can I not write without crying? I am so messed up.

I haven't gone to church because I don't feel like I should because I came home early from my mission. The stupid thing is I know that is wrong, but I don't go anyways. I went to church because one of my oldest friends was giving their homecoming speech. She did a good job giving her talk, she also looked very beautiful. Only a few people know of our history, the full of it, and I doubt that she harbors feelings for me. Which is probably good because I seem to be an emotional wreck. Plus my crappy luck with girls plays a role as well.

She mentioned in her talk about when she had a hard time and wanted to come home but she didn't have her family or friends to help her out. She learned how to rely on Christ. Then I look at my mission and I hate myself so much.

Also in her talk she mentioned about being in a certain place, at a certain time, doing what needs to be done. All mission related and such. Which got me thinking, why was I supposed to go on a mission and then come back home so early? WHY?????? What was the bloody freaking purpose of me going and coming back?! WHY?! WHAT THE HELL FOR?! WHYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!???????????????????

Another friend that was there told me her story of how she had been planning on going on a mission and was determined that nothing would stop her, not even a guy. She had been filling out her papers and then....... she met a guy and ended up marrying him in a very short time frame. She was saying how things that like happen when you least expect them. I used to believe that, but its hard to believe when nothing happens. She also said that maybe the girl isn't ready for me maybe.

I had the urge to hurt myself or do something stupid, but I know that is just Satan trying his best to mess with me. I do plenty of stupid things without the help of others. I'm sure glad I have music, I don't know why but it helps me a lot.

I really don't know why I went and came back. Who did I affect? What was the purpose? Why do I still regret coming back? Why do I hate myself for coming back? Why am I so lonely? Why? WHY? Too many questions and never any answers. I think I'm done. Yeah, I'm done.

Duel

Why does it hurt so bad?

Huh, my mood just changed completely because of the song I'm listening to, specifically these lyrics:

"There's one thing I want to say, so I'll be brave.
You were what I wanted. I gave what I gave.
I'm not sorry I met you.
I'm not sorry its over.
I'm not sorry there is nothing to say.
I'm not sorry. There's nothing to say."

I'm still in a rut that I can't figure how to get out of.

Its like I'm fighting myself. And I don't know who the good guy is. Or who will win. Maybe neither of them are good, just two evils duking it out. Maybe I'm doomed no matter the outcome. DOOMED?!?! If only I could clear my thoughts and think straight for just a minute. If only.

Sense Of Connection

So, I just got back from camping a while ago. It was simply amazing. I almost stayed another day with my grandparents and uncle and aunt.

Card games were played, as usual. (: It just wouldn't be a campout without some card games.

Delicious food was served each meal, with the exceptions of lunch which was just whatever was around. Tons of snacks. In fact, far too many snacks. Too many sugary things does not equal a happy tummy.

Campfires. Ah, the glorious campfires, how I love them so much. The smell that remains in my clothes is one of the best smells ever. I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!! *takes a sniff of his campfire smelling jacket*

I took a lot of cool pictures with my sister's fancy camera, heehee. She was playing a card game and told me to take a picture of my uncle's dogs, and then I escaped with it and went crazy. I'll post some up here once my sister gets back.

*************

Alas, fate has toyed with me once again. It teases me and tricks me and then mocks me while I wallow in misery and frustration to the events that have been unfolded and dealt out to me. Such cruelty I say. I just might be like my great grandpa "Ray", as some would call him, even though that was his middle name, it was always grandpa Ray to the folks in the olden days.

So on this lovely and amazing camping trip I happened to noticed that I was the only one there that didn't have a spouse or someone that I was dating. Granted, only a couple of them didn't bring the person they were dating while others did. Our whole family was there except two cousins, and one of those two happens to be the only other person other than me that isn't currently dating someone, but he wasn't even there.

Anyways, moving on with the story. Either the day I arrived or the next day, an older lady came with two younger girls. One of them was too young, I knew that at first glance, but the other looked amazingly pretty and just around the ripe age of 18. She wore super short shorts and a tanktop, with her blonde hair pulled back in a somewhat of a ponytail, it wasn't long enough for a full one. They had walked around the campground loop and that is when I first saw her.

Jumping ahead in time, I had grabbed my uncle's massive black lab, Bear, and took him for a walk around the loop. His name isn't Bear by coincidence, he is HUGE. And when I mean huge, I mean MASSIVE. And by massive I mean GINORMOUS!!!! Anyways, like I said, I took him around the loop and we came upon the girl's camping spot and Bear saw their dogs and took off towards them like a bat out of hell and there was no way of stopping him. So the dogs start sniffing each other's butts, such a nice way of introducing each other isn't it? And I talked to the old lady for a minute or so, and then Bear decides to take a nice juicy, smelly, dump right next to her car. And then comes the girl walking down the road and I made my exit.

Skipping some more time, I was going around taking pictures and saw the girl carving into a aspen quakie, and so I took a couple pictures of her "vandalizing" the tree, heehee. I walked by and we smiled at each other. I should of asked her to pose for me so I could take her picture, but I seem to always fail at such things.

They walked by with their dogs again a couple times and went by the lake for a long walk. At this point in time some of the family had left, which I'm glad because I got enough crap from the rest for what came next, haha.

So, there were six family members playing "Hand and Foot", and then I was just sitting around, and then the two girls come into the meadow right next to our camp site and started tossing a frisbee back and forth. My relatives started giving me crap about going over there and talking to her because they all knew I had the "hots" for her. She was really pretty from the few times I came across her. My cousin said I should go over there if the dorky kids from the other camp site went over there, then I could go over there and be her shining knight and ask her if they were bugging her. The same cousin said she was going to grab my hat and run it over to the girl, thus provoking me to follow to get it back. My Uncle said I should go over there and ask if I could play frisbee with them. My cousin's husband said I should go tackle her, haha. My other Uncle decides to whip out his uber fancy, hugely awesome, camera and secretly takes a photo of her as she is playing frisbee. He shows me the picture, a side shot, and says "Either that's a zit on her face or a bug bite." He zoomed in on her face after taking the picture, and then after some more dialogue between everyone, it some how got to the point of her having a mosquito bite, and then my Uncle said, "Oh she's got some BIG mosquito bites for sure." and zooms in and out on her chest, haha big mosquito bites indeed. So after much nonsense, and I mean MUCH, I said to my cousin, "Denny, if you give me a dollar I'll go talk to her." I didn't get her response, but obviously she didn't have a dollar, and as soon as I said that, my grandpa reaches for his wallet and it wasn't there, also at the same time my Uncle already had his wallet out and threw a dollar across the table. Hahaha, man. At this point the girls were going back to their camp site and I couldn't back out of the deal, I grabbed my dollar and caught up to them, asked her name and age and was flabbergasted. She was too beautiful, too pretty. Where I expected blue eyes to match her blonde hair, there were sweet brown eyes instead, and some freckles on her face in just the right place. I was also astounded to her response, and upon being flabbergasted my words came out like an idiots speech, or the lack of something to say.

So, today, I found her again and told her that my Uncle had given me a dollar to come talk to her and figure out her age because we had all been trying to guess how old she was. My guess was around 18, one cousin said 16 or 17, a couple others had said 14. She seemed flattered and shy to how old I thought she was.

Someone so beautiful.......and she has to be 14 years old.

Don't even say it. I know what most would say and you're wrong. Its not perverted. After finding out her age I came back and told everyone that was there giving me crap about talking to her, and the story of my great grandparents came up. I had heard some of it before, but not all of it. My great grandma was 14 when she got married to my great grandpa Ray, who was 9 years older than her. Sally left school in the middle of the day with Ray, went downtown and got married, and Sally went back to school after it was done. Not a soul knew about it. Until Sally's Aunt read the newspaper section about who got married. So my great grandpa Ray was my age when he got married, to a girl 9 years younger than himself. This girl I met was 9 years younger than me. Sure it was more common back in those days, but why can't it still happen now? I'll tell you why, because society and the world has gotten worse and all people would think is how sick and wrong and perverted it was to like someone that age. I thought she was closer to my age, but she wasn't. I liked her before knowing her age, why should that change anything? It shouldn't. And it didn't to me. The state law used to say that the legal marrying age was 14, now its 18. There was a sense of connection.

I thought maybe I could have some cool camping, Summer romance, that could go on longer maybe, but alas fate has fooled me yet again. I can't believe she is only 14.

*************

All in all it was an awesome campout, good camping place too. A cruel joke played on me by fate. Lots of food and fun. It was marvelous though. Simply marvelous!