Cheers Mate!

Good bye and good riddance old year. Time for the new year. Skål!!!!!! Proost!!!!!! Gezondheid!!!!!! Gan bei!!!!!!

The Hospital

I went to the hospital today. Nothing in regards to my personal being, I had to take someone there. I realized a weird quirk about myself pertaining to any type of hospital, which is simply this: I have a hospital germ-a-phobia. For some reason I don't like to touch ANYTHING in a hospital. My mind thinks everything is riddled with germs of sick, diseased, and dying people. I'm always afraid that if I go inside a hospital that I'll catch some sort of sickness. If I'm forced to sit, I try to move as little as possible and keep every possession on me inside my pockets. I know its silly and that it should be very clean there and I see plenty of sanitizer dispensers all over the place, but still! Its there and it won't go away.

Reviving The Emerald Within

I have reached a pivotal point. I've had it. I'm finished. I am taking a firm stance. Back up against the wall. I WILL fight. I don't care if I win or lose. All that matters is that they don't win. Ever. I had a moment of pure anger and hatred and wanted nothing more than to scream at the top of my lungs and punch and kick anything and everything as hard and as long as I could. But I couldn't. All I could do was let the tears fall. The rage is gone now and I feel calm, steady, in control. I will fight. If I don't fight now I will be lost forever. It is time to rise to the challenge. IT IS TIME TO FIGHT!!!!

SNOW!

IT'S SNOOOOOOOOOWWWWIIIIIIINNNNNGGGGGG! (:

Welcome back...?

Thursday the 17th, would have been the day I came back from Singapore.

All I can think is how I really haven't accomplished anything meaningful. I feel like a broken object that had no purpose to begin with.

I wish I knew how to wake up and fix things. To wake up and live.

What the what?!

So, just barely the phone rang. Odd that it would ring at such a random time of the day, not too odd though. The real stickler is what showed up on the caller id. The little box on the phone showed the number the caller was calling from, but how could that be???? The phone number they were calling from was the very SAME number they were calling. How could someone call from MY HOME NUMBER be calling me? It is impossible. It even had my father's name listed, same exact home number, and NO ONE else was home. How do you explain that?! I didn't answer because first off it was very odd, second it could have been some sort of scam, and third, I'm not an idiot. When your home number is calling you at your home number something is definitely wrong. Just makes you say what the what?! I mean, come on, really?

Don't Stop Believin'

Ahhhh growing up can be a pain.

What did you want to be when growing up? When I was little I remember saying I wanted to be a cop. As I grew up though I tried different things I wanted the typical boy dream of being a professional basketball player, (or not so much typical soccer player). Then I wanted to be an actor a little later on in life. Growing up some more I didn't know what to be anymore. All I knew was school, school, and more school. Then college came and I tried a few different things thinking I would enjoy them but the interest faded away. Various jobs also weeded out some things that I didn't want to do. What about now, this very moment in time, what would I want to be? Maybe that little boy knew what he wanted, because I've been thinking if I should become a cop. It could be a fragment of his memory before being born. Maybe.

Life is too short. I wish I could live out my life many times and accomplish specific things, like being an amazing roller-skater, professional soccer player, a police officer, a famous actor, a member of a band being able to play guitar and drums, travel the world.

I seem to just have a hard time moving on, growing up, and just live my life. I still feel pretty childish in some ways.

Normally I'm a very organized person, I plan things out. Lately though my appetite for life has withered away. I hunger and thirst for a new tomorrow, a new life, new music, a new scene. My desk is littered with various sticky notes I could care less to rifle through and throw out old information, an unread book I've been dying to read, a stack of cds I've been meaning to listen to, a half eaten sandwich, a cup of Coke, other various papers for different things, and other random objects that shouldn't be on my desk in the first place. Just like my desk, my mind is cluttered with nonsense, my appetite for food doesn't exist, blah blah blah.

Things were easy when you're a kid. Far too easy. All you had to really worry about was what fun thing you wanted to do. Like bugging grandma while she babysat you. :D Bugging her with this:




This work of beauty is an ancient toy. A toy she has always had since I remember. It makes this lovely annoying laser-ish sound when you pull the trigger and it would light up at the same time. It has been years since the lights work, but the sound works like a charm with only the change of its battery every so often. This little bugger has been hidden countless times, and countless times it has been discovered by my little hands only to hold down the trigger as I run through the halls of her house. Now it is time to grow up and pass on this legendary toy, but to whom? I can't give it to some nilly-willy little retard of a clumsy butt who would break it in a heartbeat. It has to be someone who will take care of it like I did, so that it will last forever and continue its journey in this world to annoy the old people. To remind them to live life to their fullest, to not let things in life get to them and bring them down, to remember the good times. And to annoy them sometimes. :) Who knows, maybe this Christmas I'll give the gift of annoyance one last time, one more pull of the trigger. We'll see what my mischievous mind decides.

Aspects Of Life

Friday morning was interesting. I got up, got ready for work like any other day. Then I went outside and walked to my car and stood there. Everything looked amazing like I could see the finest details of everything around me. It was beautiful especially because the whole sky was gray. Not white with gray or dark gray, it was exactly gray. Everything had a strange yet amazing look to it all. I wanted nothing better then to just stand there and soak it all in for as long as possible, but I had to get to work. So I basked in the amazingness for another minute and drudgingly got into my car where everything turned back into pure blandness of everyday life.

I've had this happen to me a handful of times in my life and memory. Moments where every object becomes so different, so detailed, so real. But only for mere moments. It never lasts even though I would love it to. When those moments come I grasp them with everything I have and simply enjoy them. I don't know what triggers them but I find them to be peaceful and quite magnificent nonetheless.

It's All I Can Do

Who would of thought. "The Cars" always puts me in a marvelous mood, tonight though, somehow it has done the opposite. I was in a good mood, especially after such a long and tiring, but good, week of work. Bleh.

A few highlights that has transpired this week. On the way home after work this week, two or three days ago, I saw a license plate with a saying on it which put a smile on my face. This is what it said: "Read the Book of Mormon, It'll change your life". I thought that was simply awesome, the vehicle appeared to have two hispanic people in it.

Another so-called highlight was from today, again on the way home from work, I saw an "Opeth" sticker on a person's car which I just thought was cool because that band is just talented in many ways.

New topic, I remember growing up having crushes on girls I liked. Those days are gone of course, but in a different sort of way. I seem to have a problem of actually identifying if I actually have a "crush" on someone these days. Maybe its because I've been alone for so long and think foolish things. There are a few girls at my work that are good looking, but only two that I would actually take on a date. Am I crushing on them? I haven't a clue. I mean, yeah they are beautiful but I don't really know them at all. Its not easy like it was back in the old days of being in school. Back then I had good luck, the girl I liked actually liked me back, probably because there were slimmer pickings to choose from. Now though my luck is nonexistent and I'm sick of trying.

There is a guy at work. He's LDS, age 31 I believe, and single. One of the two girls I wouldn't mind asking out is 26, also LDS, and single from what I've pieced together, and served a mission. This got me thinking, there are so many nice and good people that never find someone. Amazing as they are, faithful as they are and yet they don't find their someone. Then I look at this hideous beast of a girl that works there, who isn't LDS, an unintelligent being who spews forth nothing but pure idiocy, and happens to be married for many years now. How is that fair? Yes, I do acknowledge the fact that she is a human being too and deserves someone, but is that really fair? Its not, and you know it.

Whenever I come across someone who is older and single, I always pray that they will find their someone. People that deserve someone who will treat them right and love them for who they are.

I look upon myself and think will I ever find someone? Or will I be another amongst those who end up with no one? My patriarchal blessing mentions something, but it was wrong about my mission even though I was faithful like it said and yet it didn't come true. Who knows how much truth are in those. Especially after seeing my father's.

I feel drawn towards the 26 year old girl, even though I think she doesn't have interest in me.

I bet I could just disappear and no one would notice or care. Just another person in society who falls through the cracks and is forever lost.

I wrote an incomplete poem today, it'll probably remain incomplete and never become one of my poems, but I liked this part:
"I want to put a gun to my head,
Pull the trigger again and again,
Until there are no more memories.
I want to start over.
I want to live again."

Oh well.

P.S. I got donuts at work, woohoo!

Re-gaining Unconsciousness

I am on one tonight. I don't know what has overcome me. But I'm on a good high.

So, one of my favorite television shows is "It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia". I was excited when it wasn't even on air yet. I was excited because it has Danny DeVito in it. I was excited because it was something new, something fresh, and something funny. I liked it before most fools. Anyways, in an older episode two of the characters end up making a song. This short, simple, song has been STUCK in my head, burned into my skull, and I can't stop singing it. As dumb, silly, and annoying as it is, I simply can not stop. Here are the lyrics of "The Nightman":

Dayman (ah-ah-ah)
Fighter of the Nightman (ah-ah-ah)
Champion of the Sun (ah-ah-ah)
You're a Master of Karate
And Friendship
For Everyone


That's it. Well, repeat it 3-5 times, with some slight variations sometimes. Or as many times as you want really. This song is addicting, especially if you've seen them sing it. Which got me thinking a little, just in a sense of some of my favorite songs. I would like to share a list of some of my most favorite songs ever, songs that I can, do, and will always listen to again and again because they are simply amazing. Be it because of the mix of instruments, lyrics, vocals, and everything else. I have also titled my blogs with song names, well all the posts after my poem "Sweet Nothings", I try to find a song that fits my current mood, lyrics and title, for my blog titles. So here is a list with the ones I can think of.

Metallica - Seek & Destroy
DJ Ghostchild - Elements
DJ Mystik - Heart of Asia
Whitney Houston - I Wanna Dance With Somebody
NOFX - The Decline
Unknown Source - Aspects of Life (Yes, Unknown Source IS the artist's name)
The Thermals - How We Know
The Thermals - Back To Gray
The Thermals - Test Pattern
Suzanne Vega - Tom's Diner
Suzanne Vega - Luka
Supertramp - Goodbye Stranger
Strawberry Switchblade - Since Yesterday
Stars - Your Ex-Lover Is Dead
Sondre Lerche & Lillian Samdal - Modern Nature
Sonata Arctica - Replica
Sigur Rós - Glósóli
Sigur Rós - Hoppípolla
Shania Twain - Any Man Of Mine
Shania Twain - If It Don't Take Two
Shania Twain - Is There Life After Love?
Say Hi To Your Mom - Blizzard
Say Hi To Your Mom - Angels and Darla
Say Hi To Your Mom - Hooplas Involving Circus Tricks
Save Ferris - Mistaken
RJD2 - Smoke and Mirrors
RJD2 - Ghostwriter
RJD2 - Since Last We Spoke
RJD2 - Iced Lightning
Radiohead - Trickster
Queen - Killer Queen
Queen - Somebody To Love
Proclaimers - 500 Miles
The Postal Service - Such Great Heights
The Postal Service - Brand New Colony
The Police - Don't Stand So Close To Me
Pink Floyd - Another Brick In The Wall (Part 2)
Pink Floyd - Goodbye Blue Sky
Pink - Don't Let Me Get Me
Pink - Just Like A Pill
Nightwish - End Of All Hope
Nightwish - The Phantom of the Opera
Miami Sound Machine - Bad Boys
Mellowdrone - Bonemarrow
Mellowdrone - Worst Song Ever
Mellowdrone - Anglophile
Margot & the Nuclear So and So's - On A Freezing Chicago Street
Luca Turilli - New Century's Tarntella
Lit - My Own Worst Enemy
Jets - Crush On You
Jem - They
Fleetwood Mac - Dreams
Fleetwood Mac - Little Lies
Fleetwood Mac - Gypsy (This is my favorite Fleetwood Mac song, even though there are just so many good songs by them.)
The Eagles - Hotel California
DJ Mystik - Another Time
DJ Mystik - Into The Blue
DJ Ghostchild - Angel Eyes
DJ Ghostchild - Sunrise
Dirty On Purpose - Girls & Sunshine
Death Cab For Cutie - A Lack Of Color
Cyndi Lauper - Time After Time
Cursive - The Recluse
Cursive - Sierra
The Cranberries - Dreams
The Cranberries - Linger
The Cranberries - Ode To My Family
The Cranberries - Zombie
Cloud Cult - Transistor Radio
Cloud Cult - What Comes At The End
Cloud Cult - Start New
Cloud Cult - Car Crash
Cloud Cult - Million Things
Cloud Cult - Breakfast With My Shadow
Cloud Cult - Princess Bride
The Cars - Just What I Needed
The Cars - Let's Go
The Cars - It's All I Can Do
The Cars - You Might Think
The Cars - You Are The Girl (My favorite Cars song, also like Fleetwood Mac, too many good songs, far too many.)
Brad Paisley - Mud On The Tires
Bloc Party - Like Eating Glass
Bloc Party - Helicopter
Bloc Party - Banquet
Bloc Party - This Modern Love
Bloc Party - So Here We Are
Bloc Party - Tulips (My favorite Bloc Party song, again many good songs.)
blink-182 - I Miss You
blink-182 - Stockholm Syndrome
blink-182 - Always
blink-182 - Dumpweed
blink-182 - Going Away To College
blink-182 - Dysentery Gary
blink-182 - Adam's Song (My favorite blink-182 song.)
blink-182 - Story Of A Lonely Guy
blink-182 - Stay Together For The Kids
blink-182 - Give Me One Good Reason
Billy Crystal - You Look Marvelous (Yes, you read it right. BILLY CRYSTAL. :)
Billie Holiday - As Time Goes By
The Bangles - Manic Monday
Aqueduct - The Suggestion Box
Aqueduct - Hardcore Days & Softcore Nights
Aqueduct - Heart Design
Aqueduct - Frantic [Roman Polanski Version]
Alanis Morissette - Ironic
10,000 Maniacs - Like The Weather
Bach - Harpsichord Concerto No. 1 in D minor, allegro
Bach - Harpsichord Concerto No. 1 in D minor, adagio
Guns N' Roses - Sweet Child O' Mine

Haha, that was longer than I expected.(I did end up cheating and pulling most from my IPOD and computer, don't hate me) As you can see though, my musical tastes cover just about everything. I left out a ton of artists. If I had to condense it to a top 15 artists list, meaning ones who have tons of songs that I love and have many of my favorite songs, it might look something like this(in no particular order):

1- Bloc Party
2- The Cars
3- Fleetwood Mac
4- NOFX
5- blink-182
6- Unknown Source
7- DJ Ghostchild
8- The Thermals
9- Sigur Rós
10- Shania Twain
11- Pink Floyd
12- Sonata Arctica
13- RJD2
14- Metallica
15- DJ Mystik

I'm usually on the look-out for fresh new artists, trying to stay ahead of the crowd any possible way. A lot of the bands I like I tried showing to my friends back in the day, and they simply blew me off, then a year after showing them they are all obsessed with them. Gotta stay ahead of the crowd and be the trendsetter. Its funny a lot of bands I have known for years and have loved have finally struck home with some of my friends. Some of the bands will never reach them, I still try to show them stuff but they are so fixated on old bands really, or their favorites. I'm always adding to my favorites, I don't just cling on to the old, I am always searching for new stuff. I've given up on showing them stuff now though, especially one friend. Such a joke. He stated he doesn't listen to music for the lyrics, only the instruments. So sad. He should pretty much just show pencils in his ears for insulting music in such a way. Sure instrumental(only) songs are sweet, if they are good, but to listen to songs(with lyrics) based off instruments only is simply retarded in so many universes and ways that its bloody ridiculous! There are so many songs that wouldn't have made it if not for the lyrics, they are MARVELOUS! And many times beautiful. To just brush them aside and ignore them is just wrong. I wish I had friends that appreciated music like I do, unlike these musical dregs of my little society. I will no longer share with them the treasures I hold and find. I won't let them taint and abuse them any longer.

I'm willing to show any of my favorite songs to those who care, and am always willing to listen to your favorites, so please share! Especially if its one of the same artists listed above, I like to see which songs are other peoples favorites who share the same tastes. Or if its someone completely different. I soak up music. (:

Anyways.......*starts singing "The Nightman" song*

Sunlight Theory

There is much I want to say. Most of which are things that shouldn't be shared, even with my own ears. The things I keep locked away would only disappoint and dishearten people. Things that are too sad. So what can I say? Nothing really. Not much happens in my own little world, nothing that matters anyways.

A handful of weeks ago I had washed my car. And for the first time ever, it did not rain the day after. Or the rest of the week. It was nice to be able to have washed a car and enjoy the shininess of it for a long time. You know how it goes, you wash a car and it rains later that day or the next. Its inevitable. Or so I thought. It had put a smile on my face.

I watched "Seven Pounds" today. Very sad. It was good though. If you haven't seen it, its worth a viewing. The main character does what I yearn to do, and yet can not. To fix things, in a sense. Make up for what he did.

A couple weeks back I was able to go to a "reunion" of sorts with some old co-worker friends. We had it at "The Pie". Going to this made me realize that I don't fit in with them anymore, or anywhere for that matter. It was kind of a waste of time. The only thing I got out of it was the pizza, gotta love "The Pie". I wish I could find a group of reliable friends or friend, trustworthy and straightforward, no fakes or two-faced chumps. At least I can always rely on good pizza and music.

I feel so lost and alone. All I really have left is my family and there are just some things you can't talk to them about, that's why we have friends or a sweetheart.

I'm sick of people being jerks. A little history, there is a group of us that know each other from growing up and we all play "World of Warcraft" now.(Yeah yeah, don't give me any crap, after all I grew up playing video games, at least I'm not a full fledged nerd or even close to being one). Anyways, one day I get on to play and I find out that 4 of them are all at one house playing together via LAN. Where was my invite? That is simply rude. They even had the person that was hardly playing at the time there instead of me. That's just the beginning. Recently a few of us were in our chat server(Ventrilo, a program that lets you talk to each other using microphones), and one of them had invited the other 2 to his house(the same house mentioned earlier) because they were going to do raids all night long with their high leveled characters.(I don't have a high level character yet, thus I didn't get invited) That is simply rude though, the whole point of the game is to have fun with each other, and they all know it and would say that if you asked them, and yet I get left out. I get the impression that 1 or more people necessarily doesn't like me, thus my statements about finding new and reliable friends. Ones I can do stuff with and talk to. None of this crap. There are just so many examples I could give of past friendships that have ended that it pisses me off and just want someone that I can trust to always be there.

I'm also sick of females and their lame excuses and lack of manners. But that's a whole different story. A compliment, a misunderstanding, an attempt for a second chance to start over, and then nothing. No response back, I thought maybe she was different, especially from her first response. Apparently I was wrong. Can't she just give a guy a chance? I mean seriously?! I don't even know why I try anymore. Its just ridiculous and ends up making me feel worse and disheartened.

At least Fall is basically here. My favorite season will help with my troubled heart and mind a little. I really hope things will change, I'm tired of feeling like this, its wearing me far too thin, I'm on the verge of total chaos and self-destruction. :(

So Here We Are

I have things to say. As always. But I find it more and more difficult to get the right words out, let alone the feelings.

Its always the same old crap anyways. Lonely, depressed, wishing certain things would finally come to an end, hoping I can release all my regrets, wanting to fill this emptiness inside me, and who knows what else.

I feel like I can do nothing right and that my life is meaningless. I see a lot of people progressing in their lives and I seem to be standing still. I can't seem to move forward like other people, instead all I can do is walk in circles and revisit the same things over and over again. And so here we are at the beginning once again.

If I continue down the road any farther it will most likely not bode well with me. I must channel my energies in a positive and healthy way instead of sitting around being idle and letting my energy go to waste and with the possibility of becoming corrupt. I look at a certain individual and I don't want to end up as them, having done nothing of true value with their life except waste it away day by day by only caring for themselves and having fun. I could be wrong though, after all I don't see them all the time.

I just feel wronged by so many old "friends". I only have a mere handful of friends nowadays, and who truly knows which ones are real friends I can trust. I'm not just lonely in a companion sort of way but also in the friends category. I've always wanted a best friend that would last throughout all the years, kind of like the movie "13 Going On 30", but my life has been void of that kind of friendship. I did have one in elementary but they moved away and that void could never be filled by anyone. Too many people these days are flaky or untrustworthy, or simply talk bad about you behind your back. I've simply become ever-so-more introverted over the years. I tend to keep to myself very akin to a hermit. I'm sure I helped destroy some friendships, but only some, many more that I tried hard to keep together but my efforts were useless. Now I'll be lucky just to get a response to any kind of simple message or hello.

:/

I've given up on any kind of romantic relationship. If, or if not, anything happens, it'll be because it was supposed to. If I'm meant to remain single then so be it. If I find someone then it was meant to happen.

Me becoming more introverted and exhausting all options of meeting new people, even by being extroverted for moments, I've simply come to the conclusion that I'm done with the "dating" scene. If I could even get a date.

I feel some big change coming soon. I don't know why. But things in my life will definitely be changing with the wind that is coming in. Depending on what I choose, things will never be the same. That doesn't go too well with a stubborn Taurus who loves his routine of how things are and hates changing them. Not to mention if it is working why "fix" something that isn't broken? Sometimes though things can work more efficiently than they previously have been and will be better for you. Sometimes you don't know if the change will be better, its a gamble, a risk if you will, that you'll be taking that might benefit you or make things worse. Its definitely time to roll the dice and hope it comes out for the better. All I know is that its time for a change and its here. Things can't stay the way they are, its not good or healthy. I can't keep walking in circles anymore. I can't be standing at the bloody beginning anymore. I must progress forward. I have to.

I've said much more than I anticipated for. I meant for a quick, small rant of some sort and instead all that came out and no words are left. Especially since I paused for 5 minutes and 56 seconds to dance vigorously to "Queen - Bohemian Rhapsody" and came back with nothing left to say.

Test Pattern

Project 19, Update Log #1 -

The project has had a rough start. Many unknown factors have been coming up, which has extended the spectrum by a large degree. The project itself was like a plane taking off for the first time ever. With no flight plan. At night. In a storm. But it has already taken off, slow and hard as it may be.

Some of the main factors I have corresponded to a letter in the alphabet.

Factors:
T - This still needs quite an improvement. Latest efforts have shown improvement in this factor.
U - Improvements have been made but has slowed down, further efforts will probably need more motivation of some sort.
V - No real improvements have been made in this factor. Currently not a major concern for specific reasons.
W - This is a very important factor. Progress is improving at times and other times not. I'm trying my hardest to make things happen in this factor.
X - This factor requires a decrease, which has slowly been in effect for a long time, and has lately been improving by larger margins.
Y - This factor has been ignored for quite some time now, but will soon be reinstated for it is quite important.
Z - This factor is probably the most screwed up one of them all, major reconstruction must be done in order for things to become stable.

All in all, Project 19 has a long ways to go and has only just begun its journey. No real ground work has been laid which is very bad. As you know, a strong foundation must be made, thus the beginning of construction has begun.

-END LOG #1-

In other news....well there really isn't other news to be had. I've decided to cut my program short and not finish the last block because I don't see it benefitting me in any real way and because I really need, and want, a job. That about sums it up, nothing exciting has happened in my dull and quiet life.

Another Time

Yesterday was quite delightful.

The beginning of August came far too quickly, so fast that I forgot what it signified. The Salmon Supper-------!

I was able to go down south with some of my family, meet up with some relatives at their house, and then went to the Salmon Supper. The supper always consists of the same stuff, fresh salmon from Alaska, an ear of corn, a roll, a baked potato, a cookie, coleslaw(ewww), and a bottle of water. Live entertainment, a bajillion people eating and waiting to get their food. It was a glorious feast as always.

And as always I botch things up. Just as our group was finishing up their plates, a very beautiful girl sits down with a small child a mere two or three seats away, along with another older female. She had no ring on, and apparently it was her child by the tone of voice she'd take with the little boy. She appeared to be around my age and single, but I let the moment slip by. For a handful of minutes I got to enjoy the beauty of this white skinned, dark dark brown(or black) hair, wearing a red shirt, girl. Our crew got up and walked over to the music stage to watch them play for the last little bit, which gave me plenty of time to go back and talk to the girl, but I didn't. I felt the urge to go talk to her, but not quite. I seem to always be in such a weird feeling situation but most of the time I don't follow through with it. Even if I do, nothing appears to come of my actions. Just a weird transaction of words amongst two people is what normally seems to take place. There might be a ripple effect but most likely not.

I should of talked to her, but I didn't. Like I said before I botched it again. Nothing I can do about it now. Maybe I'll be able to do it right another time. Just maybe!

At least the fish was amazing.

Bottles To The Ground

So, I've been meaning to update on various things that come and go, but I end up doing other things and have forgotten some of what I wanted to mention. Today, though, was quite nice.

A couple of days ago I happened to be driving in a particular area and had my windows down and smelled such a wonder! I was puzzled to where it was coming from but my nose pinpointed to a place called "Famous Daves". It smelled oh-so-delicious. Today though.... Today I got the chance to go to "Famous Daves" for the first time ever. Yes, I said the first time ever. Let me tell you, it was scrumptious beyond meaning. I plan on going there again in the very near future. I wish I could eat more though because its all so good and my mere human stomach of pitiful size can only consume such a finite amount of deliciousness.

Another thing I wanted to mention was that I'm not a big flip-flop type of person, but I do wear them, a week ago or so, I decided to drive while wearing flip-flops to go pick up food. Yeah, lets just say that it was weird.

My plan is set in motion finally. We shall see how well it turns out. We'll call it Project 19, for any future references and updates on it.

And a final thank you for the anonymous for their comment. It truly meant a lot to me and I appreciate it very much. I hope you keep reading. :)

On A Freezing Chicago Street

So, I went to church for the first time in a long time.

Wow, really. Can I not write without crying? I am so messed up.

I haven't gone to church because I don't feel like I should because I came home early from my mission. The stupid thing is I know that is wrong, but I don't go anyways. I went to church because one of my oldest friends was giving their homecoming speech. She did a good job giving her talk, she also looked very beautiful. Only a few people know of our history, the full of it, and I doubt that she harbors feelings for me. Which is probably good because I seem to be an emotional wreck. Plus my crappy luck with girls plays a role as well.

She mentioned in her talk about when she had a hard time and wanted to come home but she didn't have her family or friends to help her out. She learned how to rely on Christ. Then I look at my mission and I hate myself so much.

Also in her talk she mentioned about being in a certain place, at a certain time, doing what needs to be done. All mission related and such. Which got me thinking, why was I supposed to go on a mission and then come back home so early? WHY?????? What was the bloody freaking purpose of me going and coming back?! WHY?! WHAT THE HELL FOR?! WHYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!???????????????????

Another friend that was there told me her story of how she had been planning on going on a mission and was determined that nothing would stop her, not even a guy. She had been filling out her papers and then....... she met a guy and ended up marrying him in a very short time frame. She was saying how things that like happen when you least expect them. I used to believe that, but its hard to believe when nothing happens. She also said that maybe the girl isn't ready for me maybe.

I had the urge to hurt myself or do something stupid, but I know that is just Satan trying his best to mess with me. I do plenty of stupid things without the help of others. I'm sure glad I have music, I don't know why but it helps me a lot.

I really don't know why I went and came back. Who did I affect? What was the purpose? Why do I still regret coming back? Why do I hate myself for coming back? Why am I so lonely? Why? WHY? Too many questions and never any answers. I think I'm done. Yeah, I'm done.

Duel

Why does it hurt so bad?

Huh, my mood just changed completely because of the song I'm listening to, specifically these lyrics:

"There's one thing I want to say, so I'll be brave.
You were what I wanted. I gave what I gave.
I'm not sorry I met you.
I'm not sorry its over.
I'm not sorry there is nothing to say.
I'm not sorry. There's nothing to say."

I'm still in a rut that I can't figure how to get out of.

Its like I'm fighting myself. And I don't know who the good guy is. Or who will win. Maybe neither of them are good, just two evils duking it out. Maybe I'm doomed no matter the outcome. DOOMED?!?! If only I could clear my thoughts and think straight for just a minute. If only.

Sense Of Connection

So, I just got back from camping a while ago. It was simply amazing. I almost stayed another day with my grandparents and uncle and aunt.

Card games were played, as usual. (: It just wouldn't be a campout without some card games.

Delicious food was served each meal, with the exceptions of lunch which was just whatever was around. Tons of snacks. In fact, far too many snacks. Too many sugary things does not equal a happy tummy.

Campfires. Ah, the glorious campfires, how I love them so much. The smell that remains in my clothes is one of the best smells ever. I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!! *takes a sniff of his campfire smelling jacket*

I took a lot of cool pictures with my sister's fancy camera, heehee. She was playing a card game and told me to take a picture of my uncle's dogs, and then I escaped with it and went crazy. I'll post some up here once my sister gets back.

*************

Alas, fate has toyed with me once again. It teases me and tricks me and then mocks me while I wallow in misery and frustration to the events that have been unfolded and dealt out to me. Such cruelty I say. I just might be like my great grandpa "Ray", as some would call him, even though that was his middle name, it was always grandpa Ray to the folks in the olden days.

So on this lovely and amazing camping trip I happened to noticed that I was the only one there that didn't have a spouse or someone that I was dating. Granted, only a couple of them didn't bring the person they were dating while others did. Our whole family was there except two cousins, and one of those two happens to be the only other person other than me that isn't currently dating someone, but he wasn't even there.

Anyways, moving on with the story. Either the day I arrived or the next day, an older lady came with two younger girls. One of them was too young, I knew that at first glance, but the other looked amazingly pretty and just around the ripe age of 18. She wore super short shorts and a tanktop, with her blonde hair pulled back in a somewhat of a ponytail, it wasn't long enough for a full one. They had walked around the campground loop and that is when I first saw her.

Jumping ahead in time, I had grabbed my uncle's massive black lab, Bear, and took him for a walk around the loop. His name isn't Bear by coincidence, he is HUGE. And when I mean huge, I mean MASSIVE. And by massive I mean GINORMOUS!!!! Anyways, like I said, I took him around the loop and we came upon the girl's camping spot and Bear saw their dogs and took off towards them like a bat out of hell and there was no way of stopping him. So the dogs start sniffing each other's butts, such a nice way of introducing each other isn't it? And I talked to the old lady for a minute or so, and then Bear decides to take a nice juicy, smelly, dump right next to her car. And then comes the girl walking down the road and I made my exit.

Skipping some more time, I was going around taking pictures and saw the girl carving into a aspen quakie, and so I took a couple pictures of her "vandalizing" the tree, heehee. I walked by and we smiled at each other. I should of asked her to pose for me so I could take her picture, but I seem to always fail at such things.

They walked by with their dogs again a couple times and went by the lake for a long walk. At this point in time some of the family had left, which I'm glad because I got enough crap from the rest for what came next, haha.

So, there were six family members playing "Hand and Foot", and then I was just sitting around, and then the two girls come into the meadow right next to our camp site and started tossing a frisbee back and forth. My relatives started giving me crap about going over there and talking to her because they all knew I had the "hots" for her. She was really pretty from the few times I came across her. My cousin said I should go over there if the dorky kids from the other camp site went over there, then I could go over there and be her shining knight and ask her if they were bugging her. The same cousin said she was going to grab my hat and run it over to the girl, thus provoking me to follow to get it back. My Uncle said I should go over there and ask if I could play frisbee with them. My cousin's husband said I should go tackle her, haha. My other Uncle decides to whip out his uber fancy, hugely awesome, camera and secretly takes a photo of her as she is playing frisbee. He shows me the picture, a side shot, and says "Either that's a zit on her face or a bug bite." He zoomed in on her face after taking the picture, and then after some more dialogue between everyone, it some how got to the point of her having a mosquito bite, and then my Uncle said, "Oh she's got some BIG mosquito bites for sure." and zooms in and out on her chest, haha big mosquito bites indeed. So after much nonsense, and I mean MUCH, I said to my cousin, "Denny, if you give me a dollar I'll go talk to her." I didn't get her response, but obviously she didn't have a dollar, and as soon as I said that, my grandpa reaches for his wallet and it wasn't there, also at the same time my Uncle already had his wallet out and threw a dollar across the table. Hahaha, man. At this point the girls were going back to their camp site and I couldn't back out of the deal, I grabbed my dollar and caught up to them, asked her name and age and was flabbergasted. She was too beautiful, too pretty. Where I expected blue eyes to match her blonde hair, there were sweet brown eyes instead, and some freckles on her face in just the right place. I was also astounded to her response, and upon being flabbergasted my words came out like an idiots speech, or the lack of something to say.

So, today, I found her again and told her that my Uncle had given me a dollar to come talk to her and figure out her age because we had all been trying to guess how old she was. My guess was around 18, one cousin said 16 or 17, a couple others had said 14. She seemed flattered and shy to how old I thought she was.

Someone so beautiful.......and she has to be 14 years old.

Don't even say it. I know what most would say and you're wrong. Its not perverted. After finding out her age I came back and told everyone that was there giving me crap about talking to her, and the story of my great grandparents came up. I had heard some of it before, but not all of it. My great grandma was 14 when she got married to my great grandpa Ray, who was 9 years older than her. Sally left school in the middle of the day with Ray, went downtown and got married, and Sally went back to school after it was done. Not a soul knew about it. Until Sally's Aunt read the newspaper section about who got married. So my great grandpa Ray was my age when he got married, to a girl 9 years younger than himself. This girl I met was 9 years younger than me. Sure it was more common back in those days, but why can't it still happen now? I'll tell you why, because society and the world has gotten worse and all people would think is how sick and wrong and perverted it was to like someone that age. I thought she was closer to my age, but she wasn't. I liked her before knowing her age, why should that change anything? It shouldn't. And it didn't to me. The state law used to say that the legal marrying age was 14, now its 18. There was a sense of connection.

I thought maybe I could have some cool camping, Summer romance, that could go on longer maybe, but alas fate has fooled me yet again. I can't believe she is only 14.

*************

All in all it was an awesome campout, good camping place too. A cruel joke played on me by fate. Lots of food and fun. It was marvelous though. Simply marvelous!

Like The Weather

Ahhhhhh. That felt great.

I had been wanting to go running. Alas, I don't have any one to go running with, but that is a very minor thing that doesn't even matter. I woke up with the thought that today would be the day I go running. I've been wanting to but its been raining a lot, which I love, but hardly fun to go running in.

I got home and simply did various things. Ate dinner, and then I went out on the deck and was deciding if I should go or not, and I came to a conclusion that deciding to go or not was silly. If I wanted to do it, just go and do it. So I did.

It felt amazing to be running once again. Perfect time to go too. I came across a handful of people only. It was nice and quiet.

On my way back I noticed the sunset, which I often do along with sunrises, it was nice but nothing compared to others that I've seen. When I looked at the sunset I couldn't help but think of the awesome sunsets and sunrises that I had seen in Malaysia, nothing will compare to those, they were simply breathtaking. And the thunderstorms with the sun hidden behind the mass hordes of clouds with the lightning coming every now and then and the pure silence afterwards. Silence. No thunder. Nothing will ever come close to those sunsets.

I will probably go again next week. It was good to get out and run and use up some energy.

I better get my sleep. Like it matters, my dog will just wake me up early, as usual. Such a cute little punkette though.

Just What I Needed

There is nothing better than starting your day off listening to "The Cars".

And apparently you can't change your font on here anymore. Now that is lame. Good thing I have amazing music to listen to.

Nothing new really. Just that I might have been overthinking how hard the certification test will be. And that the movie "Drag Me To Hell" was a stupid movie. It was scary only in the sense that it made you jump here and there, ever so slightly, and that it isn't your typical ending to a movie. Which is why I probably didn't like it, the ending made me mad. But hey, if you want to watch it, go for it.

Time to go back to my uneventful Friday night. Chillin and relaxing.

Heart Of Asia

Some times I wish that God would take me instead of other people.  Don't take that poor boy away in a car accident, take me instead.  Don't take that woman with a bullet, take me instead.

Every time I see certain people, it always brings it back so vividly.  I wish they would let me redeem myself.  I messed up my one chance, according to stupid rules that I have no idea why they are there.

I had never planned on going.  Never had the inclination, reason, motivation, or desire to go.  But somehow I ended up going.  I regret going only because of these memories that will never leave me.  I regret coming back.  I regret coming back so very much.  

I regret so many things in my life.  And I know that there is no point in regretting things, because you can't go back no matter how much you want to.  You.  Can't.  Go.  Back.  I can't help it though, I feel it inside me and it makes me sad.  I can't even stop crying.

Please Lord, don't take that baby, take me instead.

My life just seems so meaningless since I came back.  Every time I take a step forward I'm somehow three steps back.  I simply wish that I had stayed. I haven't been to church in a long time because I don't feel like I should be there since I chose to come back.  But I know that is just a dumb excuse, I know that I have been forgiven.  But I just seem to not be able to forgive myself.  Don't you ever feel like you were meant to do something great?  I had a chance to do something amazing and I messed it up.  Maybe I can create something, like music, to inspire people to make up for my mistake.  Just maybe I'll get a chance to do something.  Maybe I can redeem myself in the future.  I know it sounds silly, but I've always felt like I was meant for something great.

I was a missionary.  If but brief.  But I was one.  I was told to never forget that.  I served in the Singapore mission, which was Singapore and Malaysia.  I chose to come back early, which I regret so deeply that my heart hurts and aches for a way to go back and change things.  I have prayed many times concerning this matter.

My friend has decided to go on a mission.  Which has brought mine to thought far stronger than it has for a long while.  Go because you want to go.  Go because you want to serve God.  Go because you care about the people.  Don't go because you will be blessed, or your family will be blessed, or because your family wants you to, or because you can't get married, or because you want to go somewhere new and different.  Don't go for the wrong reasons, whatever they are.  And don't you give up.  Don't you EVER give up.  God answers prayers.  I know this firsthand.  Don't come back until it is your time to come back.  Go for the right reasons.

I don't want anyone's pity.  I just wanted you to know.  And for me to know as well, maybe writing it out will relieve the pain and heartache by a fraction of a sliver.

That old Englishman was right.  I knew he was all along.  I didn't listen to him.  He was right.  I regretted it.  And still do.  He was bloody right.

How can any one like me, when I hate myself?  After coming back I was released and told the same thing that is told to all the others, to focus on school and finding someone to marry.  But how can any one like me?  They all want that returned missionary.  They have this fixated ideal image of a guy, some find it, some don't.  But no one even gives me the time of day, not a chance at all.  I'm just dirt that is to be brushed aside.  Maybe if they dusted me off they would see what is underneath all that dirt.  If only they took a chance.  I know this isn't very attractive, putting myself down.  I'm normally confident.  But hey, I'm breaking down here.

If only I had stayed.  If only I could turn tomorrow into yesterday.  The old man was right, always was.  I can never forget these memories, they are burned into my skull.  Burned into my skull.  For forever.  I will always welcome the rain to drench me, always.  Because I can not forget.  I will not forget.  I see so many of their faces.  I see so many of the places I went to, time and time again.  I will never forget.  I must not forget.

Back To Gray

There really isn't a point any more.  There never really was one.  Just going through the motions now, have been for quite some time.

No one even reads this.

Man how I've missed listening to "The Thermals".  I wish I had friends who loves music as much as I do, and it wouldn't hurt to have some common grounds in music taste.  Most of the friends I have left rarely listen to music and wouldn't even know who "Fleetwood Mac" is, whereas I listen to music every day and know many bands.  I even have a friend who doesn't listen or care for lyrics to songs.  I mean, come on, really?!  What the hell???  Lyrics are apart of the song, some songs are popular because of their lyrics.  Some lyrics are simply amazing and play just as big a role as the instruments.  If you don't care about the lyrics listen to instrumental music only, or better yet go shove a ten foot pole up your butt because you're an idiot.  Music, all forms and parts of it, have gotten me through some tough times.  I LOVE MUSIC!

I will own drums one day.  Soon hopefully.  To create music, now that would be sweet.

I've been ranting and raving too much lately, but I have to let it out some how.  Too much has been festering within.  But like I said before, no one reads this, or really cares, so I'll just keep going through the motions living in my small unimportant portion of the world I live in.

Manic Monday.

Hmmmmm, where to begin?  Skip all the boring stuff and then--!  I was stopped at a red light, in the turning lane on 90th, waiting to get on the freeway and the car behind me had a familiar face.  Too familiar.  It couldn't have been her?  Could it?  Was it actually possible that it was her?  She looked at my car like she thought it was mine, kind of did a double take and then, AHA! it is and then proceeded to shy away hoping I wouldn't recognize who she was.  But I'm not quite sure still, it only seemed like she did all that.  It wasn't her car, even though it was the same color, the model and license plate were not the same, then again she could be driving a newer car or someone else's car.  The only way to find out is ask her but that is something I will never do.

As I was proceeding north on the freeway I was behind a car with a peculiar license plate.  The numbers and letters were odd in such a way that maybe it was a message.  Their not my numbers, but there were three of them and added together gives you a prime number, which my numbers do as well.  And the letters....  odd that.

Another car incident!  This, lets see how to put this nicely if possible, this idiot goes at the green, and IF he would of followed the bloody lane he would of been fine but he's dumb and doesn't know how to stay within the boundaries of a simple lane and proceeds to cut me off coming back in the lane he was in.  So I keep following this fool per chance and as I'm approaching my turn off of State, I see he is going to go straight, right?  HA!  WRONG!  I had already changed lanes and was going for it and he decides that he NOW of all times wants to turn off of State at the light too, but I didn't let him, not after the crap he pulled off earlier.  And guess what?!  Yup, he ended up going to the same place I was.  Honestly, people these days.

Ah, forgot to mention the flaming buffoon in their Mustang.  Oh goody for you, you have a Mustang and can drive fast!  WHOOP DEE DOO!  Hey look!  I can drive FAST too, weird!!!  Real smart that one, lets drive really fast for two seconds because I'm "cool" in my Mustang and then I have to stop because I'm dumb and changed lanes and got behind a slow person.  Real smart.  Bloody idiot.

Enough of this nonsense, I'm off to eat.

Sweet Nothings

So I have finally decided to post up my poem that I had wrote the other day.  There was a muse for this poem, if you want to know what the inspiration was feel free to ask.  My sister says that the poem is very romantic and that its really good, but I don't think its as good as some of my others, and I don't know about "romantic" haha.  Anyways, enjoy.

A poem, written by, Jesse A. S., on May 27th and 28th, 2009.

Sweet Nothings

My heart has feelings, that it can't get out.

The words will form, but then fall all about.

My thoughts are a mess, I simply don't know what to do.

There is only one thing on my mind, I only think of you.

I whisper into the wind, hoping it'll reach you.

Because me plus you, will make an even two.

I'm just wishing that you'll give me a chance.

You never know, we could make a sweet romance.

My heart beats in time with the rhythm of a drum.

While you have your guitar, and are ready to strum.

As we make our song, and music together,

We will be lost in time, lost in forever.

When the music starts up, I'll ask you to dance.

You'll reply with a yes, and give me your glance.

We'll dance out on the floor, we'll dance the night away.

I'll hold you close to me, I'll never let you stray.

When the music slows down, I'll move in for a kiss.

I hope you won't reject me, and make it a miss.

I want to press my lips against your lips.

To be able to touch your face with my fingertips.

I want to hold your hand in mine.

Maybe then, our lives will intertwine.

Everyday I want to see your beautiful face.

To get lost in each others eyes, leaving no trace.

I'll whisper sweet nothings in your ear.

Just take a chance on me, there's nothing to fear.

I'll always be there when you'll need me.

Because you have always been beautiful to me.

What the what?!

There are no words for what has transpired in the last twenty-four hours.

All I can really say is that its very sad.  A sad day indeed.  I don't even think that sad is the correct word for usage here, like I said there is no way to define what has taken place.

In other news, after a long hiatus from the world of writing, I was finally able to write a poem.  Imagine that.  That was supposed to be such a joyous occasion but with the events that have just come to light, it is quite minuscule and meaningless.

Blah.  Too many feelings to handle.  Too many thoughts.  I need distractions.  I need something.

Infected.......

So a couple of days ago I was infected.  Its pretty bad, in fact its so bad I might not make it.

You're probably wondering what I've been infected with and how.  Its a simple infection of: exercise.

Thats right, I said exercise.  In the recesses of my chaotic mind, it was whispering to me for some time to go outside and play basketball.  Me, being the stubborn Taurus that I am, simply ignored this voice.  Eventually, after several attempts, the voice won over and I caved.  I went into the garage, cleaned off the dirty, dusty, web-covered basketball, pumped it up, bounce tested it, and went outside and played ball.

After being inactive for a long time, the first exercise I tend to get leaves me hacking up a lung, but surprisingly it didn't happen this time.  It was great, for the first time that I remember it wasn't poison to me.  I am a little sore still but I loved every second of it.

The following day I decided to get some more exercise, crazy huh?!  Two days in a row, is that even possible???  Yes, and yes.  I pulled out the bike, pumped up its tires, and went for a joy ride, wearing my Lynyrd Skynyrd shirt, sporting my new Aviator sunglasses, and ringing my little bike bell.

Not all infections are bad.  Gotta spread this sucker throughout my whole body, you never know, it might save me.

The Almighty 23!

I am now 23! Dun dun dun!

My birthday was a typical one for me. It was good overall I must say. Nothing fancy, no party, no friends, just family.

I woke up. Got ready. Played a video game shortly. Went bowling with my family, wherein we played three games, I won the first one by a large margin, and took second in the other two games. After the bowling alley we then proceeded to "Skippers", a lovely little seafood place that I have come to enjoy ever since I grew up coming here oh-so often. Then, once we were all stuffed with such delectable food we moseyed on home when we relaxed on the deck, at which point my grandparents came by for an hour or two.

As for presents, I already knew what I was getting from my parents because I picked it out, and my oldest sister had given me my present early while she was here, she gave me some shorts. The present I had picked out were some very nice sunglasses, and yup, you guessed it, some new aviators to replace my old broken ones! As for my other sister, I got nothing from her because she is broke and jobless, but I did have her company the majority of the day.

So, now that I'm 23, its time to make the best of it. You only get to be 23 once, better make it worth while eh?

A Bajillion Things!

It is finally nearing that time of year.  The time where I can run around and release all this pent up energy that has been festering and harboring within me, accumulating from being inside due to snow and cold, both bothersome weather types.  ;)  Snow isn't really bad, it is actually quite beautiful, especially right after it has fallen and lays undisturbed.

So, yes.  I will be going on runs.  It will be oh-so sweet.  I miss running around, playing sports, and such.  All my street hockey peeps are all grown up and married.  I stopped playing soccer years ago for no real reason, well I didn't know how to join the older leagues.  As for basketball, my favorite court and hoop are in bad condition.  So it leaves me with just running for the time being.

As for today, I went and watched "Ghosts of Girlfriends Past" with my two darling sisters.  Yes its a chick flick.  I tend to watch them, after all they are movies.  Only if they seem good.  None of that super cheesy junk.  It was an okay movie, nothing fancy.  Except for Jennifer Garner.  She is very beautiful.  And it makes me sad just like most chick flicks because I'm still alone.  Oh well eh?  Life continues on any ways.

Moving on, I get the next two weeks off which is very good because now I can study up on my A+ book and be ready to take it and get it out of the way so I can move on faster through networking.

Last Saturday was my brother-in-law's funeral.  It was sad of course, it is a funeral.  I'm glad he is no longer in pain though.  It was extremely horrible seeing him in such conditions, to see him whittle away into nothing and babble nonsense near the end.  He will always be remembered.  Always.  Rest in peace Roger Edwin "Bret" Williams.

This year I don't get to hunt.  :(  Very sad!  I had 8 bloody points and still didn't draw out.  WHAT THE HECK IS WITH THAT HUH!?!?!  Rigged I say.  I was completely and utterly cheated out of my tag.  My cousin drew out though with her 5 or 6 points she had.  Grrrrrr, not to mention I didn't draw out for a regular tag, which by the way I didn't know they started doing drawings for.  How lame is that?!  At least my father drew out for a Southern tag so I can go with him and camp it up.

Ahhhh it is also that time of year.........my birthday is coming SOON!!!!  And I mean soon baby.  I also love how the lilacs are blooming the same month as my birthday.

That concludes the randomness of todays session, tune in next time and don't forget to wear a smile on your face!

The Burning Flame

My last shred of hope is burning in front of my eyes, and yet the tears that fall can not put out the flames that have engulfed what was once Akshay Raza.

What was once thought to be incorruptible, indestructible, and full of hope, has been rotting and falling away from the horrible infection that had planted seeds who knows when.  The seeds grew and started this vile process of decay which, in the end, will leave nothing behind except shattered dreams and emptiness.

There is no hope left because there is no light at the end of the tunnel.

Forget About It

I think I am officially finished with asking girls out.

It has become nothing more than a joke.  I'm simply sick of it.

I used to ask them out, they'd either say they were "busy" or no.  If the response of yes ever comes up, they bail out later or if things weren't fully finalized and you try to contact them they ignore you.  So I stopped asking if they wanted to go on a date and instead would ask if they were single.  Yet the response is always the same, they are dating someone.  But if, in fact, they are single then I must ask if they want to go on a date and thus we get thrown back to the usual responses of crap.  Even getting "set up" doesn't help, somehow they happen to bend the universe to their bloody will and squeeze out of the situation, leaving me alone without a date yet again.  If things happen to work out and I actually get to the point of picking them up some evil amount of unfortunate luck befalls instantly and something random happens, two real instances like this happened to me.  One girl was sick and couldn't go, the other girl forgot about the date and wasn't even there.

How the heck am I supposed to date around if I can't get a date??

I just want to go on dates.  If it turns into a relationship, great, if not, oh well.  

My last four attempts in a row have failed.  The first two girls I asked were cute girls that I came across in different stores, I never met them, just went up and asked if they were single.  Both were dating someone.  The next attempt was an old friend, but what's this, she is married now, imagine that.  Finally my last attempt is a girl my mother wanted me to ask out, the girl works at the same place.  Normally this is never a good idea.  Ever.  I asked for a picture and I'd see if I would ask her or not.  The picture was marvelous.  A picture of me was taken to her so she could see and she liked it.  So I call her, no answer.  Around thirty minutes later I call again, no answer so I leave a message.  Immediately after leaving the message she calls back and asks who I was.  I tell her and we try talking but there is far too much background noise, she was shopping and told me to text her.  So I text her asking if she wanted to go Thursday or Friday.  She replies saying we should Thursday and that she has a friend that would go if I wanted to double.  I told her that is fine and asked if her friend had a date.  No response ever came back.  That was yesterday.  I called her today and no answer so I left another message.  Today is Thursday and its already past 7:00pm.  Maybe she lost her phone?  Maybe her phone broke?  Maybe she doesn't want to go and ignoring me?  Since girls just love to do that.  Maybe she wants to go on a double with her friend so its more comfortable?  All I know is I haven't gotten a response and have gotten the impression that she doesn't want to go and I think its very impolite that she hasn't said ANYTHING back.  If she doesn't want to go she should just say that.  She was cute too.  Whatever.  I guess it doesn't matter any more.  :(

A Flame In The Distance

I fell behind.

Silence In The Moon

I am a lone wolf.

I eat by myself.  I hunt by myself.  I sleep by myself.  I howl at the moon by myself.  I run wild and free, by myself.

For I am the lone wolf.

Forever and free.  Forever alone.

I am the Lone Hunter.

***A poem, written by, J.A.S., on March 2nd, 2009.

Dawn Of Change

I've come to the conclusion that I am going to forget about a lot of people that have been in my life.  I won't forget the times we shared, the fun things we did, the things learned, but I will simply leave them be.  Because so many of them were once called friends but now are not worthy of such a title.  They never talk to me or respond to messages and whatnot.  A lot of these people are on my Facebook, some married, engaged, dating someone, or at a far off college.  Which brings me to another point of not using Facebook as much.

I get depressed when I use Facebook.  Some of these people were once good friends, some even best friends, and Facebook just reminds me that I'll probably never be friends with the majority of them ever again.  Not to mention, seeing all the people that have a special someone.  And I don't.  

I think I shall just say screw it all.  I'll stick with the few friends I have left, make new ones if the chance arises, and I'm just going to focus on my own things.  School, musical talents, getting a job, and personal projects.  I will try and limit using Facebook as much as possible, to the point where I won't use it at all.  I'm sick of seeing people hooking up while I can't even get a bloody date, as you have seen from previous posts, my luck has been like that for a long time.

So I'll be sailing away into the dawn of tomorrow into a new age.

Tuesdays

According to my Zodiac sign, Tuesdays are my lucky day.  Yeah right.

I hate Tuesdays.

Life's Sticker

So, yesterday when I was on my way home I was stopped at a light waiting for it to turn green.  I noticed the car behind me had two females in it, both of an age beyond mine, but not that much older.  I watched as one of them moved forward in their seat and kind of squinted her eyes as she was trying to read the sticker on the back of my car.  Then the other female proceeded to look at the sticker and read it too.  Once they realized what it said they both started laughing.  It was great seeing them laugh at the sticker I had put on my car those years past.  Looks like life is still worth living for a while longer, I'm not a complete waste to society, after all, the choice I made to put that sticker on my car, did in fact make two people laugh.

Ahhhh, another uneventful day.

So, Valentine's Day is coming nigh and I, yet again, have no special someone to spend it with.  :/   

Yesterday a new student had joined the class.  Surprisingly enough, it was a girl.  And a mighty good looking one at that.  I wanted to talk to her today but I couldn't see any opportune moments, not to mention the lack of what to say.  My fellow classmate thinks she is weird and kind of mean because she doesn't say anything and gives him a look, but we shall see.

Sadness

Yesterday I had gone to IKEA for some new pieces of furniture.  While I was there I had come across a couple of beautiful girls, which I assume were sisters, that were there with their mother.  I saw them a few times while wandering the vastness of the upper floor of IKEA and thought I should ask one of them out, but which one?  Both were cute.  On one of our many crossing of paths I heard them talking and assumed that one was married, or at least dating someone from what I heard,the older looking one.  I couldn't see her hands well because her jacket sleeves were pulled down on her hands covering where any rings could be, but I had decided I would ask the other girl anyways because she seemed to have a more interesting personality based upon things I witnessed in the store.  So, I started walking towards them, and at this point I noticed the supposed mother was gone and thought this would help my approach for various reasons.  I reached her, almost getting her alone, her supposed sister was a handful of feet away and had stopped to watch us talk.  I had asked what her age was, which was the same as mine, and then asked if she was single.  She replied with: "No I'm not, I'm sorry." and I replied with something nice and left.  And that was the sadness of my day.