I keep meaning to write "The Sunday Post", but things get in the way, or I simply think that what I have to say is meaningless or too much on the negative/mopey side(which I have to agree with). The reason why is because I just don't have a plethora, heck even a few, of friends that I can actually talk to and vent. A blog is a small outlet for me to get this kind of crap out of my head. Anyway, I'm getting off topic.
So, I've been going to the Singles Ward for a while now. In about a month and half it will be one year of being in this ward. And a full year of not missing church once. When I first starting going to the Singles Ward, I was going with a person that I had grown up with. Not too long after he got engaged and moved on to better things. I had started to get to know people in the ward but not a whole lot, but I kept getting to know people. There were a lot of cool, nice, good people. Key word is were.
Jimmy - got married and left the ward.
Eric - also got married and left the ward.
Cameron - moved away to play soccer at a college.
Arthur - moved downtown for various reasons.
Nicole - will be getting married and leaving the ward.
Logan - also getting married soon and will leave the ward.
Brother Kessler - was assigned to another Singles Ward.
Brother Taylor - was just released from our bishopric.
These people are awesome. I always loved being in the same Sunday school class with Cameron because he wouldn't talk a crap ton but when he did it was meaningful, thoughtful, and usually something that wasn't mentioned before. Arthur was friendly to everyone and always knows how to laugh. Brother Kessler always had deep insightful things to say. Nicole, Logan, and Jimmy were always nice company to have, people who would listen to you. Eric though....... Eric is awesome because he is so spiritual and kind hearted(apparently hearted isn't a word). Eric was a teacher and always taught well, but he wasn't just good, he was meaningful, he would tear up often. To me he always meant what he said, he fully believed whatever he was saying. But none of them beat Brother Taylor. He will be missed dearly. He always had a smile on his face. He always had time to listen to you. He always had a handshake and hug for you. He always cared about you. Always.
With the lack of these good people I have found myself floating. Don't get me wrong, there are still some awesome people in the ward. Very few now though. After being in the ward this long I have seen many others come and go and I have gotten to know who people are. I actually know a lot of people that regularly attend church but I can honestly say that none of them are actually considered as a friend. Simple update conversations or the typical small talk will take place. Maybe being a lone wolf, a floater, is what I'm always meant to be.
Singles wards aren't what they are cracked up to be. There are three reasons why they have these wards. That's right, they have a purpose, imagine that.
1- To help bring back inactive members that have fallen away. According to what was said today by a stake council member(I believe it was something along those lines), 7 out of 10 people that are single adults between the ages of 16 to 31(I also believe it was that range, it might be 18 to 30) are inactive and don't do anything church related. That's huge. Like, ginormously huge.
2- The Singles ward is there to help us by giving us callings to give us leadership experience and teach us how to lead the church.
3- And of course, to get us married.
I can totally agree with reasons 1 and 2, and 3 to an extent. When I said Singles wards aren't what they are cracked up to be I meant that it isn't really all that enjoyable for different reasons. I get that they want us to help bring others back to the church and that they want us to gain necessary experience in the church, and that it would be ideal to pair us all up. But I really think that they try too hard maybe on reason 3.
Making real friends in a Singles ward is slim. And of course you want to marry someone who, hopefully, you can call your best friend. We have all of these different committees, one for Family Home Evening, one for Linger Longers, one for Stake events, etc etc etc. The end goal in most of these is to get people to come out to do stuff with other single people and actually mingle and converse with them. More often than not though the things that get planned give you no actual face time with people. How can we get to know people when we get two minutes to talk to someone? Dur, you can't.
I've been to almost every activity that has taken place and some have just been absolutely retarded. But I won't go into that right now, just take note that I've gone to a lot of stuff to broaden my capacity of meeting people.
Now, in most Singles wards they want the guys asking the girls out. Which I agree with. I'm still old fashioned and prefer to do the asking. I've gotten names and numbers and called them, never texting them to go out, or I ask them in person. Nothing is wrong with a girl asking a guy out though, it happens but its rare. I think that needs to happen a little bit more to be honest. So what is the point already you are asking, well it is this: the guys ask the girls and the girls are saying no, mixed in with some guys not asking any girls at all.
I was talking with a couple guys about this topic and one of them brought up a good point. I'll even use myself as an example.
EXAMPLE OF MY LIFE: I asked a girl for her name and number, she gave them to me and also told me she was going to be out of town for the weekend. I called her, she didn't answer so I left a message. Days later I called her again, she answered, I mentioned me calling her, she said she never got my message, I then proceed to ask her out, she said yes and needed to check when she could go out and would get back to me. She never did, so I tried contacting her with no results.
So, using that example, Andrew brought up the point that the bishopric keeps telling the guys to ask the girls out, because the girls aren't getting asked out. But in reality they are getting asked out, they are either giving us a non-answer reply, saying no, or saying yes and flaking out on you. And one reason might be that a girl has her sights on one specific guy and that apparently qualifies the girl to complain to the bishopric that they aren't getting asked out, when in reality they just want that one guy to ask them out. Makes sense to me though. Now, I'm not bashing on you girls, especially because I know not all of you are like that. But you know that is what is happening and that's how you girls are to the T. "Oh, Ben isn't asking me out, I really like him and I want to go out on dates, why aren't boys asking me out?!" (in reality it reads - why isn't Ben asking me out?!) So then the guys get crap for "not asking" girls out. Thanks "ladies". Hard to actually find a real lady.
Another thing that makes these wards absurd, at least mine and the Stake it belongs to, is that they told the girls to say yes and go out with guy at least once. They obviously don't do this. Which I agree with the girls on this one. They shouldn't say yes to every guy that asks them out. You have to have physical attraction on some level and a slight interest. The possibility and potential has to be there. But if you are so focused and intent on one guy that obviously isn't giving you the time of day, and you don't have guts to ask him out, you will be missing out on other great guys out there that actually want to take you out.
Going back a little bit here, I want to just make note of the example I shared. In my whole life I have been to about 2-3 firesides. No particular reason why I don't go, I just don't. They aren't for me you could say. While in the Singles ward I've been to 0 firesides. Until recently. They mentioned that a fireside was being held and blah blah blah and I pretty much thought to myself that I wasn't going. Then a girl named Katie asked if I was going and I said maybe. My typical answer which usually turns into a no. But later in church I felt like I should go to this fireside. So after church I went to tell Katie that I was going, she said she was going too. Later that night I go to the fireside, and while waiting for it to start I kept looking around for Katie so she could sit with me but she never came. While looking though I saw this beautiful girl. I kept finding myself looking at her from time to time. So when the fireside was over I got up and thought to myself, "I'll talk to her in a few minutes", and immediately after I thought this, this came into my head, "No, go talk to her now. Don't take your eyes off her." So I listened, I saw her getting up and it was obvious she wasn't staying to chat or have refreshments, she was headed for the door. So I took a side route so I could reach her in time on the stairs, introduced myself, had a small conversation, got her number, etc, then refer to my example for the outcome. Also, a day or two later I had a strong, good feeling about her. But...... well you know.
So what is the point? I'm beginning to think there isn't one anymore. Really tired of trying to play the dating game. On a good note, before the above-mentioned girl, I had gone on two dates with another girl. Very nice, cute, but it just didn't work. I knew she wasn't right for me.
Onto other randomness that I have been wanting to mention.
- A month or so ago I sat a couple seats away from a girl that kept shaking her leg in sacrament. You know these kind of people. She wasn't just that kind though. She was shaking her leg insanely hard. Like violently shaking it. Literally. I was thinking how the crap, and why, would you be doing that so intensely?! Violently shaking of the leg. I just didn't understand what would possess her to go to that extreme.
- Along with the crazy leg shaker, I was near a guy who wasn't singing any of the hymns. Now this irks me. You know I love music. And some of you might know I suck at singing. But I sing the hymns. Singing hymns is giving praise to God. Why would you not want to do that? It's almost insulting to sit there and not sing. My short experience in Singapore/Malaysia showed me that a lot of the poor natives would sing the hymns. Everyone sang the hymns, no matter what. And a lot of them were worse than me at singing, but they would do it anyway, they would also pick songs in the hymn book that a ton of people have never even heard of because it is "too weird" or hard to play on the piano. But they sang. That is what matters. In my ward there are two girls that are handicap for whatever reason(I want to say semi autistic), all I know is that its hard for them to talk, but it amazes me that they will sit in their wheelchair and try to sing the hymns. Every single week. So it really bugs the crap out of me when people don't want to sing the hymn, for a dumb reason that is. Because I know there are reasons why you won't, like you are sick and have no voice or whatever else. But just because you don't feel like it or its not your favorite hymn is a load of crap. If off pitched and out of tune Malaysian's and handicap girls are giving praise to God, you should be too. Sing the dang hymn.
- Another random thing is that from going to a lot of activities the ward and stake have, I noticed that a lot of people that I see in sacrament don't go to any of them. A tidbit hard to try to get to know someone during sacrament, ya know? I think a lot of people bounce out after sacrament because I don't see certain people in either Sunday school classes.
So there you have it. Singles wards, not all that great or cracked up to be. You don't hear from me for a while and then I basically write a novel. Sorry. =P
Quote of the Day(Courtship/Marriage):
"There are many qualities you will want to look for in a friend or a
serious date--to say nothing of a spouse and eternal companion--but
surely among the very first and most basic of those qualities will be
those of care and sensitivity toward others, a minimum of
self-centeredness that allows compassion and courtesy to be evident. 'That best portion of a good man's life [is] his . . . kindness,'
said Mr. William Wordsworth (Lines Composed a Few Miles Above Tintern
Abbey [1798], lines 33, 35). There are lots of limitations in all
of us that we hope our sweethearts will overlook. I suppose no one is as
handsome or as beautiful as he or she wishes, or as brilliant in school
or as witty in speech or as wealthy as we would like, but in a world of
varied talents and fortunes that we can't always command, I think that
makes even more attractive the qualities we can command--such qualities
as thoughtfulness, patience, a kind word, and true delight in the
accomplishment of another. These cost us nothing, and they can mean
everything to the one who receives them." - Jeffrey R. Holland
The Sunday Post - Issue #16
Unsuccessful At Success
What do the following have in common?
- Not finishing college
- Coming home from my mission early
- Not finishing my A+ certification
- Not getting my headshot taken for auditioning
- Stopped playing soccer/basketball
- Stopped learning ASL
The above list, (of the main things I can remember), all have been things that have been left unfinished. Things that were left behind, things I gave up on, things I quit.
I'm really not a quitter. Deep down inside this empty shell of mine I'm a fighter. I will think and ponder until I can figure out an answer to a problem, especially ones that intrigue me. I fight for what I believe in.
The thing that I keep thinking about when I look at that list is simply this: unsuccessful.
I am superbly successful at being unsuccessful. The conclusion my brain keeps bringing up is: Am I afraid to succeed? And I can't help but think on this question. A lot. Am I really afraid that I can make a difference? Am I afraid that I can do whatever I want? Am I afraid I can actually do something I like and be good at it? Am I afraid that I can actually have a decent paying job to support a family? I look at each thing on my list and the things not on it and I reflect upon them one at a time. And in the end I really believe that I am afraid of success. The thing is, I don't know why I am.
I have many useless skills. I can make either eye go lazy, that can pretty much do nothing for me. But other ones like having the uncanny ability to waste time like a professional definitely becomes a problem. Along with my unmatched power to procrastinate anything and everything(not literally, but some times it rings all too true). This isn't who I remember. This isn't me. And I don't know how to change it.
Take today for example. I was supposed to call the college to set an appointment with the counselor, I was also supposed to study up on my math so I can take the math placement test (for the 3rd bloody time) so I don't have to take Math 1010 again. Did I do either of those? No, not at all. I didn't even do the dishes. What did I do instead? I wasted my time. I don't know how so much of my time just disappears but it does. Facebook doesn't help either. Michelle is right on this topic, she talks about it in her blog, and she definitely has the right idea to stop using it. It's not only a time waster, not always but far too often it is, it is depressing. It really is. "Oh you're married!!! And you've been married for many years!" or "Oh you have kids and this nice job!" and it forces our human nature to compare all that crap to ourselves. With me being so unsuccessful at success it brings me down. I'm just trying to be the best me that I can be, but I really hate my human nature.
Some things on and off this list can be finished while others are already a done deal.
I don't fail at life, I merely don't succeed at it. I try and try and try. And try some more. Looks like the hand dealt to me has "unsuccessful" written all over it. All I can do is play my hand the best way possible and take what tricks I can. For now.
The Sunday Post - Issue #15
Aye, I know it has been a while for "The Sunday Post" but there just wasn't much to write or say from my eyes perspective. Until now.
So my normal church block is from 11:00am to 2:00pm. Glorious time, I absolutely love it. Today was a different story. Today we had to meet at 1:00pm to 4:00pm. *insertgrumpyface* Not my ideal time frame at all. The reason behind our time shift was because another stake was having their stake conference, thus they hogged our normal time slot, which in turn slightly inconvenienced me but also helped me. Now how in the heck did it help me you ask, well because I had more time to practice my talk.
That's right. My talk. I had to speak in church today. Let me rephrase that, I chose to speak today.
Funny thing about today though was the fact that upon getting to church early the lights were off in our chapel. And they weren't coming on. Apparently for some reason the lights in the whole building went out after the stake conference and well yeah. We kept the side doors open, so the only light came in from one side or from your cell phone. We started sacrament meeting, we sang a hymn, conducted some ward business, sang the sacrament hymn, passed the sacrament, had speaker number one talk, all without the lights. They flickered on when speaker number two got up to speak and they stayed on. Then we all sang another hymn and I gave my talk. Interesting to say the least.
We had our linger longer today and it was combined with another ward. As I started typing this I thought that we should do more combined linger longers, was definitely better that's for sure. I even got a females phone number. She's cute, we'll see if there is anything there worth pursuing.
So in other news, since I've been home from my mission, I think I've been on a total of two dates. That is TWO dates in FOUR years. If my calculations are correct. I would of had been on more but being rejected, given a fake number, having them say yes and then flake on you, or the fact they are already dating someone, plays a large role into that factor. Sad thing is that both dates I had were within this last year and one of them I knew wasn't going to go anywhere. So, hooray? Hahaha.
My sister is right though, I'm a good guy, I'm a gentleman. She said I should start being a jerk to girls that way they will all flock to me because they all love that type of guy. There is some truth to it. But I don't want to have to be someone I'm not. If someone cannot accept who I am then they are not worth my time. Nice guys finish last, in my case looks like I've been disqualified from the race. I don't even get to finish last.
There are some future possible prospects. But I'm running out of those. Just trying to keep a positive outlook and trust in my faith in God. It's hard being my age, still single, and it doesn't help that I live with people who don't go to church. It has definitely been taking its toll on me. I try to keep wearing a smile on my face though. It can be tough though, that's for sure.
I'm excited for tomorrow though, we are going to Temple Square as a stake. Hopefully I can talk to a few girls I've been wanting to talk to. Plus I hope I can get some good pictures while I'm there.
Quote of the Day (Conversion):
"The best way to make a permanent change for good is to make Jesus Christ your model and His teachings your guide for life." - Richard G. Scott, "He Lives! All Glory to His Name!", Ensign, May 2010, 78
It's Jacket Weather
Ahhhhh, Fall. I love Fall for so many reasons.
The weather cools down. It's not too hot nor too cold.
It's perfect for wearing jackets. I love jackets. Mind you, I didn't say hoodies. Hoodies are lame because you have to pull them over your head and well yeah. Jackets, with zippers and a hood, are always so cool looking. If I could, I would totally have a closet full of jackets and nothing else. When I go shopping for shirts it is rare that I find something I actually like, but jackets on the other hand...... I swear there always a ton that are appealing to my eyes and style.
Another marvelous thing about Fall is that all the leaves are changing colors. I love going to look at trees in a canyon or in a park, nature is drawing us a beautiful picture.
The beginning of Fall also means that it is hunting season. Oh yeeeeeaaaaahhhhh. Even if I didn't draw out, someone in the family usually does which means I can go camping/hunting. Waking up way to early for any sane person, change clothes in the freezing mountain air, drinking some hot chocolate, and riding with family members to go hunting. Gotta love it.
Another crazy good thing about Fall is Halloween. Not because of the holiday really, but when the holiday comes around this comes with it: ***
That's right. Franken Berry. This has been one of my favorite cereals growing up and I was saddened the day they stopped making it year round, so when Halloween comes around I get excited because I can eat me some of this delicious artificial strawberry flavor frosted cereal with spooky-fun marshmallows.
Fall also brings with it many birthdays within my family, so we get to celebrate those which is always nice. October is chock full of them! :)
Last, but not least, Thanksgiving. A holiday where we gorge ourselves on many foods, surrounded by family members, friends, and whoever else. A holiday where we share what we are thankful for in our lives. A lovely time indeed.
***Bonus points to the person who can name the movie playing in the picture. I even enlarged it some more, doubt anyone can guess it though, hard to tell by that scene alone.
*More bonus points to the one who can name the movie that I'm referencing in this post's title. I'm not directly quoting them, but I will here: "That's Julia's jacket! She took off on Notson Street, remember? She said it wasn't jacket weather anymore."
The Sunday Post - Issues #9-14
So.......yup, I know I haven't done "The Sunday Post" in a handful of weeks. I wanted to, I really did, but sometimes it just simply slipped away. I was gone for one of them, I was camping, but that only excuses one.
Life can be very monotonous. People get in ruts, their little routines keep them in line. I'm still in a rut that doesn't seem to end. Some how I still have a speck of faith that things will change. I'm literally hanging by a thread. I don't like to write about sad or depressing times, but it is part of life, it is the other side of the story. It has to be told. To help others, to help one self, to remind us, to keep us going forward because deep down we know that things will turn out better, that what we went through makes us stronger. We can't forget the paths that we have traversed, our stories matter, the journey we all take is different but it will either make us or break us.
"It is said that only a fool learns from his own mistakes, a wise man from the mistakes of others." - Otto von Bismarck
We must all learn to be wise. But we must all share our stories so that others can learn. There are certain times and places to tell certain parts of your journey and you will know when the need arises.
Nothing much really happens in church that I haven't really mentioned before. My A.D.D. is still there, speakers, lessons, same old same old. I do recall being pretty grumpy one week, I felt like Calvin from "Calvin and Hobbes", this is what I felt like:
Other than that not much has changed. I still try to meet new people every week, always people coming and going or don't go to all the meetings.
Two songs have been giving me a small amount of strength, even though they aren't really new, but I came across them. I have played them over and over that they should be burned into my skull. I'll add a few others that are still awesome/uplifting.
Beyonce - Halo
Adele - Rolling In The Deep
Katy Perry - Fireworks (great song and lyrics, except for "Boom boom boom, even brighter than the moon moon moon")
P!nk - Perfect
Kelly Clarkson - Stronger
Sick Puppies - Maybe (I overplayed this one too, aside from the top two)
Quote of the Day(Patience):
"Life is full of difficulties, some minor and others of a more serious nature. There seems to be an unending supply of challenges for one and all. Our problem is that we often expect instantaneous solutions to such challenges, forgetting that frequently the heavenly virtue of patience is required." - Thomas S. Monson, "Patience, a Heavenly Virtue", Ensign, Sept. 2002, 2
Push Off The Edge
Is it wrong that I don't want to eat anything?
Is it wrong that I don't want to wake up?
Is it wrong that I have no ambition or motivation for anything?
Is it wrong that my faith wanes?
Is it wrong that I feel unimportant?
Of course it is wrong, in most cases, but that is how I have been feeling for a long time now. I have no desire to eat even if I haven't had anything all day. I sleep far too long because I don't want to face another empty day. Ambition and motivation have vanished because of my bad luck and turn of events. My faith wanes because I have tried, I have done my part, and I know that prayer works, and yet here I am in the same old spot. Why aren't my prayers being answered now?
I don't know why I try to do anything anymore. I really don't. Nothing comes of it.
All I can think of is how I am a failure. If I had stuck with something I might be somewhere important right now. Instead I'm in my late twenties, no job, no college degree, an incomplete mission, no place of my own, and no family of my own. Pathetic.
Birthday Presents
So yeah....... I am finally getting around to showing you what I got for my birthday, even though it was back in May.
First up is this:
Next up is this:
Last but not least:
The Sunday Post - Issue #8
So first off, I'm pretty sure that by the time I'm done typing this post out that it will show it as being posted on Monday. Just a heads up, but it was started Sunday, don't let it fool you.
At first I was going to write something really short like - "insert blog post about families and social gatherings and other various things", and then attach the quote of the day, but I can't cheat myself to do that. I have to just type out my thoughts, if not to help others then to help myself.
*So yeah, after I typed those two paragraphs I started playing a word game called "Word Whomp" while listening to music.......for an hour. It has been one of those days that music is really the only cure I have left to lift me up and bring out the tears. (I hate when I tear up or cry, blah)
Church was fine. I invited my cousin to come and he did. We had "Linger Longer" today, but there wasn't an actual meal, just brownies and icecream. Don't get me wrong, both of those are always good, but I was hoping and expecting a meal. Oh well.
I got invited to go to someones house later in the day to play games and whatnot, but in all honesty it was kind of a dud. I really can't wait until I get a job, or school, or both. That way I can have no social life. I'm pretty sick of most people. I simply don't get why people do things. One of the girls tonight said I should hang out with them more. Yet every time I do it just seems weird, I put forth the effort and I'm friendly and try to talk to certain people and the majority of them don't put any effort to talk to me or to get to know me better, they have their friends already and tend to talk to them. So I thought it was dumb that that girl had said that to me, because I have tried talking to her to get to know her better and she just doesn't seem to care and doesn't put forth the effort. So why want me around to hang out if you won't talk to me? Awesome huh? People are dumb. No wonder why I tend to prefer being by myself. Too many idiots, jerks, disrespectful, fake people out there. I don't want to deal with all that crap in a social setting.
We talked about families today in sacrament meeting. Which got me thinking of how I want my children to be very caring towards each other and to always share whatever they get with each other. I want to teach them the right things. Far too many people in this world don't teach their kids anything, especially what is right and wrong, or manners, or how to be respectful towards other people. It really pisses me off. I swear they should have a test for couples to pass in order to have children. Way too many ignorant noobs or just too lazy to teach their kids the proper things.
I just feel so down(Thus I didn't want to type a real post because I knew stuff like this would come out, but I had to or I would implode). I feel so misguided and lost. Is it wrong of me to wish that when I go sleep that I won't wake up? That I will just stay asleep dreaming, or that God simply took me away. I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm out of ideas. I have no more will to take another step forward. I seem to have come to the end of what I can take. I'm amazed that I get anything done, I mentioned a procrastination box before, but in reality I'm so good at procrastinating that nothing goes in that box, and even farther into reality I don't even have that box, and in the farthest reaches of reality I procrastinate procrastinating. Yeah, I'm that good at it. Worthless skills for the win. Just like me being able to make either eye go lazy, another awesomely useless skill. Story of life. At least tomorrow is a new day.
Quote of the Day(Hope):
“My message to you today, my brothers and sisters, is simply this: the
Lord is in control. He knows the end from the beginning. He has given us
adequate instruction that, if followed, will see us safely through any
crisis. His purposes will be fulfilled, and someday we will understand
the eternal reasons for all of these events. Therefore, today we must be
careful to not overreact, nor should we be caught up in extreme
preparations; but what we must do is keep the commandments of God and
never lose hope!” - M. Russell Ballard, “The Joy of Hope Fulfilled,” Ensign, Nov. 1992, 31
The Sunday Post - Issue #7
I know this one is posted late. I literally sat here not knowing what to say. It is generally the same old crap re-packaged in new paper and bows. The more things change, the more they stay the same.
Someone used the word "reactivating" in church today while they were giving their testimony and I found myself thinking about how I don't like that word at all. That word to me isn't real, it doesn't do our fellow members justice. We are human beings that need care, friendship, fellowship, and love. The word reactivating just doesn't seem to fit the bill in my opinion.
The one thing that keeps coming up in my mind is something that I had forgotten about and have started to implement in my life again - do one hard thing a day. Or if you are a fan of the new "Alice In Wonderland" movie, do one impossible thing each day. "Sometimes I believe in as many as six impossible things before breakfast." and "Precisely. Gentlemen, the only way to achieve the impossible, is to believe it's possible." When I say do something hard each day, I'm talking along the lines of going out of my way to do something I normally wouldn't do, something that puts me outside my personal bubble or comfort zone, something that takes courage to do. It is something that is definitely challenging but has been well worth it so far. I encourage you to do the same.
I've been wanting to blog about a few things but I seem to just stuff the thought of doing so in my procrastination box. Hopefully I will get to them soon.
I try to be as friendly as possible and to meet and talk to new people all the time and yet I still feel quite alone. It is tough on me that's for sure. No matter how much I pray it still feels like nothing will ever change. I may be going to a singles ward, going to activities, running and playing basketball by myself, but nothing in the big picture changes. No job, school still on hold, so on and so forth.
It sucks. And I don't know how much more I can handle. I have a ton of motivation but no idea how to get from point A to point B. Anyway, here is the quote of the day.
Quote of the Day(Courage):
"As an exceptional son or daughter of God, you are sorely needed. There
is an urgent need for men and women who will stand for principles
against the growing pressures to compromise those very principles. Men
and women are required who will act nobly and courageously for what the
Lord has defined as right, not for what is politically correct or
socially acceptable. We need individuals who have the spiritual,
righteous influence that will motivate others to enduring good." - Richard G. Scott, "Living Right," Ensign, Jan. 2007, 14
The Sunday Post - Issue #6
Nothing special happened today really. I have kind of been in a weird zone all day. Church was a typical church day, prayers were said, hymns sung, and talks given. The only odd thing I happened to notice was after our final meeting/class, which happens to be priesthood and relief society, the majority of guys went out the room only to stand in the hall by the stairs. Were they waiting for the girls to come down? Possibly, and the most likely answer, but still odd because so many of them were standing there. I really didn't care and went on my way and left.
I went with my parents to visit my grandparents for a few hours. It was nice as usual, especially since I haven't seen them in a while. Nothing fancy happened there, just a bunch of conversing.
Lately my mind keeps wandering back to a couple things. One being this: Am I doing what I'm supposed to be doing? I have talked about my situation a bit before and it feels like I am not contributing anything to anyone in any form. I can't help thinking about it even if I don't want to or try not to. It is my human nature to think about how I will survive and thrive in this life so that I can move forward. The other thing my mind keeps thinking about is this: Should I really go after something relative to a dream, no matter how crazy or absurd the majority of people think it will be? I don't even know if I should expand on this or not. I want to, need to, get these thoughts out and down on something, or merely to share it with someone other than God. But I'm actually afraid to do just that. I'm afraid. I'm never afraid of anything really, so why this and why now? Yes I know a lot of people will laugh at me and my absurd idea, and a lot will have mixed feelings and a ton of doubt, and others will give "encouragement" to be nice, while a rare sliver (if any at all really) will back me up with everything they have. I know all that. And I know that to get some where great, to be something great, that the road there will be long and hard, but well worth it. The trick is having enough faith, in the right things. Faith in God.
Faith in yourself.
On Saturday I was able to go to an event that had a few speakers. Mentioned by one of them was the fact that something like 77% of our own thoughts are negative and that another percentage (similar to 77%) of sicknesses and other health related problems either mentally, emotionally, physically, are self-induced. Where they got these statistics or so-called facts eludes me because I don't recall them stating anything of the sort, but I agree with them though. We as humans tend to think negatively, a lot. We can easily see other peoples strengths while thinking we don't have any, and we love to compare our weaknesses with other peoples strengths. We worry and fret far too much and end up thinking we have this sickness or ailment when we really don't, our minds do amazing things. Anyway, having faith in yourself, knowing what your true strengths are will help you move forward and through hard times. Knowing that you can do something, you just have to have faith in yourself and simply believe. I seem to love to give advice, yet I need to learn how to take my own advice. I realize that I am afraid to try going for a crazy dream because what if I don't succeed? I can have faith in myself and believe and still come short, because possibly I won't have what it takes but a certain margin. I really do want to try, because that is the only way to know if you will succeed or not. It's as simple as that. I have come to hate when people say "there is no try", "there is only do or do not", "blah blah blah", "insert actual Yoda quote". Don't get me wrong, I'm not hating on Yoda, he's awesome. But life isn't Star Wars, life isn't a movie. There is a try, and it is the only thing we can do to find out if we make it or not. In some things we can keep trying until we reach the right answer or end, other things not so much. Just go for it though. Just do it. Just try. Just try, because you will never know if you don't.
Quote of the Day(Faith):
"Challenges, difficulties, question, doubts—these are part of our
mortality. But we are not alone. As disciples of the Lord Jesus Christ,
we have enormous spiritual reservoirs of light and truth available to
us. Fear and faith cannot coexist in our hearts at the same time. In our
days of difficulty, we choose the road of faith. Jesus said, 'Be not
afraid, only believe' (Mark 5:36)." - Neil L. Andersen You Know Enough, Ensign," Nov. 2008, 14
The Sunday Post - Issue #5
Happy Father's Day everyone!!!!!!
Man, I started this post but simply could not find any words beyond the first line. So instead I listened to some music and played some games. Not a whole lot really happened. An average Sunday to be honest.
One of the speakers in church mentioned the people in his life. How people are put here to help each other get through certain trials. I touched on this topic before and I still feel that I am not really in anybody's life, other than my family. So it has been hard to get through some crap. The only other point that stuck out from the talks was that you can still change, that we need to think about what we do and if by doing said action will it put us in God's territory or the adversaries? You may be close to being in God's territory, you could be a minute away or it may be a longer journey for others like a few years or more. The key thing to remember is you should start today. Do not wait. Do. Not. Wait. You can change. Do it now. Start now. Starting things is always the hardest step. It is like trying to start a college paper on a stupid topic, or starting to go running to get into shape. Once you start it gets easier, nothing like a stroll in a park or a piece of cake, because there will always be bumps and obstacles in our way. But by building a strong foundation and trusting in Jesus Christ and God you can overcome them. Starting something ties in with what I mentioned before in my last issue, you should be acting instead of waiting to be acted upon.
Anyway, in short, this week has been pretty crappy. Especially Monday. I had an interview scheduled. I gave myself plenty of time to get there. Guess what?! There was construction, imagine that! Then I couldn't find the place. I was eight minutes late. Upon entering she said she wouldn't interview me merely because I was late and that they have a super strict policy on that. So I was polite to her. But really???? I mean, come on. Have the bloody DECENCY and RESPECT as a HUMAN BEING to interview me. Sure I may have "wasted" eight minutes of her "oh-so-important-life", but yet its okay for her to waste two hours of my time and gas. I tried my best to get there, things happen, I was polite, and yet its apparently okay for her to was two hours of my time and judge me off of one thing. Yeah, that is just stupid. Judging someone off of one thing is sheer idiocy. So that was how my week started off, pretty awesome huh? Yeah, I was super mad and couldn't drive for about fifteen minutes and when I did I was still driving pretty dang fast. Thanks Jennifer for being such an awesome human being. Not.
For Father's Day, the sisters in our ward made us some rice crispy treats, a couple kinds, for us future husbands/fathers and the ones that already are. It was pretty sweet.
I wanted to share a few sayings, or quotes, that I came across that came through people I know in real life. All three are kind of similar in message, achieving something or reaching your dreams, accomplishing things.
- "Nothing worth having was ever achieved without intense work and absolute unwavering persistence." - this was from an old friend Chelsea, she never responded to if these were her own words or pulled from somewhere.
- "If no one is laughing at your dreams, they aren't big enough." - this came from an elderly lady when she was talking to my friend Monte.
- "It is more than being able to accomplish anything you set your mind to - it is setting your mind to something that is more important to you than anything that could hold you back. A change of mind and a change of life can only come with a change of heart." - this one came from a friend named Shayla.
I thought all three of those were pretty great for obvious reasons. Uplifting and motivational. I was going to use these three quotes in place of the quote of the day but I decided not to, the quote of the day seems a bit more geared towards me, but it might hit home with others.
Quote of the Day -
"At times some may think that no one cares--but someone always cares!
Your Heavenly Father will not leave you to struggle alone, but stands
ever ready to help." - Thomas S. Monson "Three Gates to Open," CES Fireside for Young Adults, Jan. 14, 2001
The Sunday Post - Issue #4
I must admit, Sundays are being unkind to me. Only in the morning really. It ties into eating in the morning, and as you know I have a hard time doing just that. This only really became a problem after high school. It is a bad thing, because I should be, and need to be, eating in the morning. It is vital and healthy to do so. So how does Sunday, of all days, relate to all this? It forces me to eat something. Because if I don't don't eat something my stomach will make noises in church. Note, this ONLY happens on Sundays. If I want to avoid such awkwardness I have to force myself to eat, and like today I chose a banana and milk, harmless right? HA! The milk was fine, I can drink liquids, its the eating that gets to me. The banana went down well enough up until the last bite or two and a few minutes later my stomach was not happy but I made it fine and kept it down. Thanks Sunday mornings and thanks grumpy stomach.
In the past I could focus on the speakers to a perfect "T". Now, though, it is a joke. If they start saying "uh" or "um" they tend to lose my focus for some odd reason, or if they are monotonous, my mind becomes restless which in turn makes my body restless which of course turns into my A.D.D. that loves to shine its face around. Being restless ties into what I thought was something good from one of the talks.
You should act instead of waiting to be acted upon. This may relate to why I don't have many friends any more, but only to a certain degree, merely because I think I fall more into the "waiting to be acted upon" group, but I also think of what I've been doing lately and I think I'm in between both right now but headed towards the "act" group. It hit me pretty hard though. You shouldn't sit and wait for opportunities or for things to come to you because they may never come and you'll miss out on many things. If you act, and go forth, expend the energy and effort to keep yourself active and doing this or talking to that person, your chances of living life itself are so much more exponentially higher as opposed to sitting and waiting, doing nothing.
On a side note, before I forget, I noticed two silly things. One - in sacrament meeting I popped my knuckles and noticed that two other people were then inclined to pop theirs, I thought it was funny and put a smile on my face. Just because I did it, something triggers in them which makes them do this bad habit. Two - in priesthood meeting, a guy was using his phone to play a dumb little game where you are Spider-man swinging from building to building, that is all you do. I noticed as the bishop walked in he quickly went to his phone menu or whatever and then when the bishop had passed by he pulled the game back up. I couldn't help but laugh inside because this isn't a job, nothing is going to happen to you if the bishop catches you playing that silly game, you are a grown up, why hide what you are doing? Just a couple of dumb things I noticed.
So, one of the speakers brought up a kickball game they were in. Her team is mostly people from our ward, so they are all members. The opposing team, according to her, is a really good team and all members too. Beforehand she prepared herself to just have fun anyway even if they got owned. Surprisingly her team was holding their ground and doing really good against the opposing team. Which made the opposing team mad. Even though her team was trying to show good sportsmanship and attitude, the opposing team kind of went out of control and made the game miserable for her and most likely others on her team. She tied this into her talk in relation to people of the church should be kind to everyone all the time, not just during certain things, like work, or church events, or whatever, but that we need to be better than this opposing team in all aspects of life and at all times. She mentioned that competitive games or sports tend to bring out the worst in people. Which I can agree on, it brings out our competitive and aggressive side. And you all know that I love basketball and soccer, and played them both growing up. I reflect on myself and see how I handled situations and simply what my character is like. Maybe that is why I like playing them, I can see someones true character and how they would truly act. I am pleased to say that my character is in well order. Not to toot my own horn by any means. Simply that I know who I am and how I act in those types of things and the outcome is good. Not only in attitude but in other aspects, such as I would never hold someones wrist in basketball so they couldn't run away, or I would never hold onto a jersey, or flop to get a call. Cheap tricks is not my character. If you truly want to be good and have the skill you wouldn't need to do those things or throw a tantrum because a certain call was made.
In other news, I met a new girl who just happened to come to our ward today by mere chance. She seems pretty awesome. I got to talk to her a little bit during class and then some more during our "Linger Longer". I got her phone number, but hope to see her come back to our ward and to our activities. She isn't supposed to go to our ward, thus I had said by mere chance she ended up going to ours, and she is only here for the Summer.
Also in other news, I have an interview tomorrow. I really hope it goes well and that I get the job. Having no job for over a year now has really taken its toll on me.
I'm also putting together an exercise routine that works for me, so we'll see how that turns out.
Quote of the Day (Virtue) -
"Because of the knowledge of our divine identity, everything must be
different for us: our dress, our language, our priorities, and our
focus. We must not seek guidance from the world, and if our true
identity has been clouded by mistakes or sins, we can change. We can
turn around and repent and return to virtue. . . . The Savior's
Atonement is for you and for me. He invites each of us to come unto
Him." - Elaine S. Dalton, "Come Let Us Go Up to the Mountain of the Lord," Ensign, May 2009, 122
The Sunday Post - Issue #3
Today I actually got up and ready in time. So much so that I had spare time to cook me some eggs and simply enjoy my breakfast. This is a rare spectacle in my life. Usually I'm in a rush to go some where so I don't have a lot of time to eat breakfast or some times eat nothing at all! It gets so bad that when I try to eat breakfast I simply can't. Literally. For example I will pour a bowl of "Honey Nut Cheerios", first bite goes down smooth and delicious, second bite is pretty close to the same, and then....... the third bite my stomach clearly rejects it. Even if I'm hungry and want to eat, my stomach says no with a lovely gagging of my throat. So having breakfast today was marvelous.
Small note on my church A.D.D., it wasn't very apparent today but that is probably because it was testimony meeting. There was always someone different at the microphone thus keeping it in check. Although, thinking back now I did zone out on a couple people as they were speaking. In class it was more sharing thoughts on what was being taught so that kept me busy. It is still there for sure, it just had things to keep it in check today for most of the time.
After church was officially over, I felt a bit pathetic because I just hung out a little bit wanting to interact with more people. It just gets harder the older I get, all my friends that I would hang out with are married or live way too far away now. Being an introvert is what I'm good at. I can think of things to do and entertain myself with various projects, but there comes a time when you simply have to get out and do something with another human being like watch a movie, go running or a walk. S-O-M-E-T-H-I-N-G. I just don't have the friends like I used to. I will admit it is always nice to be dating someone because you want to spend time with them so you do stuff together quite often. But after my whole mission fiasco and poor decisions and the last girl I dated - the succubus - (because it felt like she drained my life essence and used and manipulated me only to toss me aside) it has been a while to get to where I am now. Anyway, moving on.
A little history of my neighbors who live directly South of me. They have been there since I can remember and I don't believe they are members of the church. They had two kids, both way older than myself. Later on the father had his two brothers move in the house across the street from them, and then later moved down the street instead. One day there was a lot of people coming and going, people dressed up, from the two brother's house and my neighbors. Apparently the father had died. To this day I still don't know how, but their trailer was gone and something might of happened while they were camping. I felt bad because it was like a week later that I found out, the people all dressed up were relatives and friends attending the funeral. This all happened about a year or two ago. Which brings us to yesterday. Yesterday the mother died. Not sure how, again, but it was either a heart attack or simply just a passing away. The son lives there with his girlfriend and daughter and he was freaking out and crying. I felt so bad for many reasons, the obvious is that he is in his 30's or 40's and both his parents are gone now, and what is he going to do now? I also felt bad because I don't know what to do, I kind of feel like a horrible neighbor. Its not like we invited them over for a barbeque or anything, but we never really went out of our way to say hello either. Just gets me thinking of family and what this church means to so many people.
Another topic from this week is my other neighbors. These ones live on the North side. This house has had many different owners over the years, no though, it is currently occupied by a family of African-Americans. They hail from Somalia and there are a chock full of little kids running around. It is like once they hit a certain age, an older age, they just disappear. Some of the boys have one heck of a potty mouth on them. There is one kid that stands out among the others, one of the little girls. I'm probably butchering her name but it is Nassi, pronounced NAH-SEE. The first time I saw this little girl she stuck out her tongue at me as I passed by and I thought she was a rotten little punkette. But since then I haven't seen anything of the sort from her. Instead she is a friendly curious little bugger. Half the time you can't understand what she is saying, because it could be in another language, but its quite evident that she is trying to say "Mister" or "Mr.", but she says "missur", sounds a bit French when she says it. She always wants to know what you are doing or what this thing is. Earlier in the week we were cleaning out some stuff from our shed and we gave Nassi and her siblings some stuffed animals. Her face lit up so bright, like a hundred candles on a birthday cake, when we gave her a super fluffy stuffed dog. She later came back and gave us three of the smaller ones back saying she didn't want them, which was hilarious. She kept looking through the fence watching us, and when we pulled out the basketballs she immediately said "Missur missur!!! I need a basketball!!!" Cute little bugger. I want to get a picture of her to put up here, but doing that kind of thing is hard. I don't want to come off as a creeper, I'm merely a photographer and journalist. Seeing a motherly lady sit on their deck while many of the small kids run around in the backyard reminded me of my mission, just like the mothers would do in Malaysia while their kids run around the village/jungle. I think about these neighbors and how they make it through each day some how, and I feel bad because the kids aren't learning things they should be learning to adjust to our American culture, or just simply things of good nature.
Which brings me to the quotes for today's post!!!! Since I mentioned family a lot, both quotes will be about just that.
The first quote comes from Ezra Taft Benson and the second one from L. Tom Perry - and I strongly agree with his a lot.
Quote #1 -
"Above all else, children need to know and feel they are loved, wanted,
and appreciated. They need to be assured of that often. Obviously, this
is a role parents should fill, and most often the mother can do it
best." - Ezra Taft Benson "Salvation--A Family Affair," Ensign, July 1992, 4
Quote #2 -
"As we take a long, hard look at the world today, it is becoming
increasingly evident that Satan is working overtime to enslave the souls
of men. His main target is the fundamental unit of society--the family.
During the past few decades, Satan has waged a vigorous campaign to
belittle and demean this basic and most important of all organizations." - L. Tom Perry "Fatherhood, an Eternal Calling," Ensign, May 2004, 69
The Sunday Post - Issue #2
So here we are. Again.
My sacramental A.D.D. was present again. It didn't help that the girl I was sitting next to was also moving around a lot and doing various things. She told me her whole family has A.D.D. pretty much. Not only did I end up sitting next to her, I actually ran into her at "Famous Dave's". I went there earlier in the week for my late birthday dinner and apparently she works there. She even let the cat out of the bag and my server, parents, and her sang happy birthday to me and I got a free ice cream sundae. I have to think of something to get her back, although on the other hand she got me a free sundae........
I've been having some negative feelings and thoughts in relation to my current situation. What I'm about to share pre-dates today's feelings and it deals with driving. Every now and then I will be driving and this crazy thought appears in my head, "What if I just keep driving so fast and drive right into that building?", or wall, or whatever. What would it be like to just end it quickly or cause severe injury to one self like that? Of course I would never do it. Ever. It probably would be nice sometimes but I wouldn't do it. For one, I like my car, and I like not having to spend money to fix it. Then there is my body of course. What would it be like though?! Two other things come to mind while I've been driving. "What if I don't get off this exit but instead just keep driving and driving until I reach some place new and start over?" Now that would be crazy. The other thing deals with a fear and it usually only happens when I'm driving behind certain things, for example a truck with its tailgate down and in it there are tons of poles(like flagpoles or poles/tubes for a sprinkler system), then this thought comes in, "What if one of those poles gets loose and comes flying through my windshield and spearing me through my eye?". Gruesome? Yes. But I can't help it. Other things that go along with that would be like "What if that chain snaps and hits me?" or "What if a bolt come flying off a tire and through my windshield?" Anyway....... moving on!
So these negative feelings aren't really negative, but one could tell I wasn't happy, but I wasn't sad either. All I can do is thank whatever struggle I'm trying to endure and overcome, because without it I could not grow. As much as I don't want to thank my struggle or for God for giving it to me, I must. I wouldn't have it if I couldn't overcome it. Interesting thing today in church, if we haven't had a trial in while we have been told to actually pray for one. An example someone shared was about someones uncle. Everything was going fine, kids going to college, career was fine, and he asked for a trial. Two weeks later his wife died. Of course he didn't want something like that, but it makes you think.
Another thing brought up was things we get for free. People will enjoy and play with whatever they got for free for a little bit but it gets old and tossed out pretty dang quick. Things we work for and put forth energy to obtain are things we end up keeping around and sometimes cherishing. God doesn't just hand out free things, because He wants us to appreciate what we get, He wants us to earn things that mean something to us. This gets me thinking about a lot of stuff, the main thing that comes to mind was basketball.
I used to play, shoot hoops, a lot growing up. When I say a lot I mean a lot. I would come home from school with homework usually already done, grab the basketball and start playing on my neighbor's hoop. Six to seven hours later, sometimes more, with a quick dinner gobbled down, it would be time for bed. Yup, I played that much. I would even play when it was windy or raining/snowing. Simple solution was: put some gloves on and maybe a jacket. The whole downside to all of this was I was short. I was one of the shortest kids growing up through elementary and most of middle school. Still, to this day, I'm only 5'8". While most NBA players are 6'1"+, that is half a foot taller and longer arms than myself. Maybe I should of tried reaching there anyway, kind of late to do that now though.
The reason I thought of that first was because I put a lot of energy and time into becoming a better player, dribbler, shooter, etc. That was then. This is now. I think of now and my energy and time isn't being put to good use to something that I truly want. The motivation isn't there. Which got me thinking of why I don't go running or play basketball anymore, where has my motivation gone? What motivates me now? I'll be honest, I have no idea. I struggle to get up each day, because I know I don't have a class to attend to or a job to go to. I've become addicted to my sweet dreams that my brain conjures up while I sleep. I go back to sleep because I know its another empty, dreary day, or I simply press the snooze button a bajillion times. God knows what motivates me, He knows how we all work and think. I wish I knew what motivates me. Some how I'm still here. Still breathing. Still living. Some how.
Today's quote is related to our topics in church: music. And if you know me, I'm a huge music fan, aside from my strange beginnings with it, but that is for another time.
Two Quotes for today:
Quote #1 - "Hymns play an essential role in spirituality, revelation, and conversion.
"Hymns are 'an essential part of our church meetings. [They] invite the
Spirit of the Lord' (Hymns, ix). They often do this quicker than
anything else we may do. President J. Reuben Clark Jr. said, 'We get
nearer to the Lord through music than perhaps through any other thing
except prayer' (in Conference Report, Oct. 1936, 111)." - Jay E. Jensen, "The Nourishing Power of Hymns," Ensign, May 2007, 11.
Quote #2 - “A wise man once said, ‘Music is one of the most forceful instruments
for governing the mind.’ Whether it governs in a positive way or a
negative way is determined by what it brings onto the stage of your
mind. If you can say that a song is spiritually inspiring or that it
urges you to see yourself in a more noble perspective, the music is
worthwhile. If it merely entertains or lifts your spirits, then it also
has a useful place. But if it makes you want to respond in a carnal,
sensual way or to consider unrighteous desires, then that music should
be avoided. It is not worthy.” - Boyd K. Packer, "The Message: Worthy Music, Worthy Thoughts,” New Era, Apr. 2008, 9.
The Sunday Post - 1st Edition Issue
Welcome to the 1st Edition of The Sunday Post!
The whole idea of The Sunday Post is to help keep me writing and thinking, to provide my random thoughts that occurred on each passing Sunday, and to simply promote positive thoughts. I thought about starting this a few Sundays ago but I kept putting it off for no apparent reason. Now, though, I have finally gotten the gumption to sit down and start it.
So, today I was reluctant to awake(which seems to be the case a lot these days), but it was more so today thanks to the previous days events that kept me up later than expected. Which, in turn, made me press my snooze more times than necessary which then continues the domino effect of me getting up late, getting ready late, and getting to church late. Now, if you know me well enough you would know that I'm usually on time to everything, and in the rare case that I am late it is usually never more than five minutes. Today though...... All I can say is thanks to my two sisters and my brother-in-law, and it being my birthday and all yesterday, that that is an excuse enough to me sleeping in longer than normal and being roughly 30 minutes late to church. Oops, right? :D Oh well.
This Sunday, like the last couple, it has been hard to focus on anything. Especially sacrament meeting. It is like I some how developed a weird form of A.D.D. spontaneously. Today I would be listening to the speaker then two minutes later I'm watching someone leave only to find myself now looking around on the other side of the room, now I'm paying attention to the two music people up front having a conversation, then back to the speaker, so on and so forth. I'm the type of person who can easily sit, look, and listen to the speaker and every word they say, even to the point where I sit and count how many times they say "uh" or "um", that is how attentive and focused I normally am. So what happened?! I have no idea, but I am definitely curious to how this will progress.
Today was also our "Linger Longer" day. Once a month we have what we call "Linger Longer", it is a social event that takes place after church is over where whoever wants to stay and talk or whatever can, and the cherry on top or the icing on the cake is that there is food. You come to linger a bit longer while eating food and getting to know people. This month we had cereal for the food which was fine, a change up that's for sure. I normally sit at a table with a new face there so I can get to know more people but I didn't today, I had simply conformed to just sitting with a couple people that I am already friends with. I would of sat elsewhere for sure, because I had my eye on someone(yes a girl), but she wasn't present at the "Linger Longer".
The Sunday Post will be done every Sunday, I will try to keep it roughly around the same time frame. Like I mentioned before, the whole idea of this is to keep me writing and thinking, to open a small view hole into what is my life and so-called existence, and to provide positive thoughts. I have been, and apparently, still am in a rough patch where nothing seems to be working the way I want them to or need them to, regardless of the fact of what I do and don't do and all the prayers that have been said. So with that being said I felt compelled to put a quote up at the end of each blog post done by The Sunday Post that will relate to my current standing in life and my thoughts. Seeing that I haven't been able to get a job in a year, I thought that enduring to the end is appropriate and very important, so this quote comes from Dieter F. Uchtdorf of the Twelve Apostles(one of my favorites, which makes it great for this first edition).
Quote:
"Enduring to the end is not just a matter of passively tolerating life's difficult circumstances or 'hanging in there.' Ours is an active religion, helping God's children along the strait and narrow path to develop their full potential during this life and return to Him one day. Viewed from this perspective, enduring to the end is exalting and glorious, not grim and gloomy. This is a joyful religion, one of hope, strength, and deliverance. 'Adam fell that men might be; and men are, that they might have joy' (2 Nephi 2:25).
"Enduring to the end is a process filling every minute of our life, every hour, every day, from sunrise to sunrise. It is accomplished through personal discipline following the commandments of God."
End Quote
This quote is found in this topic title - "Have We Not Reason to Rejoice?" Ensign, Nov. 2007, 20.
A Dagger In My Heart
So yeah..... when I said tomorrow apparently I meant six days later. Thanks for holding that thought Harmony. :)
Last week, on Sunday, I went to church. The thing that hit me hard was the fact that I had to leave. I wanted to stay even though my church was over. Anyway, I left and came home. Upon entering my home I pretty much wanted to leave. I sat in my room not wanting to change out of my Sunday clothes. I literally sat on my bed for fifteen minutes, feeling weird and a bit down, because I didn't want to be there. I wanted more church because I know its true. I wanted more human interaction.
If you didn't already know, which I can pretty much can assume you don't, I don't really have friends. I'm a hermit. A recluse. A lone wolf. I have tried making new friends, to stay friends with old ones, but apparently nothing seems to work. And to be more specific, when I say friend I mean someone who you can talk to and tell them important things going on in your life, people you see and do things with on a weekly basis - more than once a week. Those kind of friends I have zero of. The ones I used to have: stopped being my friend for unknown reason, they got married, they moved, dating someone, or they became someone I don't really want to be around. Now I'm fine with it, I really am. This is NOT a pity party. I'm fine with doing things by myself or going places. But after so long it really drives something into your core being and you simply need more human interaction.
Touching back to last Sunday and the way I was feeling, the thought came upon me about dying. Don't worry I'm not an idiot and I'm not going to do anything of the sort. But I couldn't help but think that if I died, right now, that no one would miss me. With the only exception being my family. No one would really care or miss me, I can say this because of my long period of solitude ties into it. I'm not really helping anyone. I'm not apart of someones life actively, I'm not part of a company that needs me, or a ring of friends, or a team of some sorts, I'm not influencing anyone to do anything. The whole purpose is for us to help each other through this life, but there is no true purpose for me being here because no matter how many times I pray or for how long, and no matter how many times I try to meet and make new friends or ask a girl on a date, everything has come up empty. No, not empty. So empty and dry that when you touch it, it merely crumbles to dust in your hand. Yeah. Its that bad.
Being alone is rough. And I truly look forward to the day that I have a female companion next to me, so she can give me that look that says "You're being an idiot" or "Don't you dare do that", to keep me in line, to love, and to go to the temple with. Someone who has got my back and I have theirs. Two Sundays ago, someone giving a lesson mentioned a marriage is better off with 2 losers instead of 2 winners or 1 winner and 1 loser. It was quite good actually. 2 winners would always be fighting each other because they must win. While 1 winner and 1 loser only means the obvious, the winner wins everything. But 2 losers is priceless, because they will strive and help each other and they rise together by doing such.
Even though I have no true friends, and my family can only provide so much, you are never really alone. You will always have God, Jesus Christ, and The Holy Ghost. I can always know that no matter what I have done or where I am, that I am not alone, and I can pray to God. I've been trying to remind myself of this because I am definitely near the end of what I can take. I feel like I am about to snap in two pieces so hard. Something just has to change.
I am a simple human. I make mistakes. I have regrets. I have my weaknesses. The thing that upsets me is that my weaknesses cause mistakes and that I'm simply weak. It saddens my heart, yet angers me, because I want to be stronger. I want to be making the right and good choices. And I don't know how to become stronger. Another reason why other people, or friends, come in hand.
Those that know about my poetry, know that I usually only write one when I have a strong urge to do so. Its not really a thing of inspiration, its hard to describe. Anyway, I wrote a new one on the 10th of February, it is the first one I have written in two years. By my standards it isn't even that great, but if you so desire to read it you can ask and I can email it. Its interesting because poems remind me of masquerades, (which I think are AWESOME and would love to go to a fancy one), but those make me think of invitations, which was mentioned in church a while ago. We, as people, love to receive invitations. It doesn't matter what its for, we love them, because it shows that someone out there wants you to be present. Because you matter to someone so much that they want you there and went out of their way to invite you.
Another thing that has been on my mind is: manners. I'm not talking about table manners, but more along the line of manners between people and communication. I'm very keen on having good manners in every way, shape, and form. From chewing with your mouth closed, to saying "thank you" and "you're welcome", to proper introductions, to being a gentleman and opening doors for ladies and pulling out their chair for them. So when I text someone, especially a new person I have met recently, it really irks me when I don't get ANY text back. Its not just texts either, its online chatting, phone calls, emails, whatever. A comedian put it well, a female comedian(sorry I don't remember her name), but she said something about how nowadays we have all these great ways of communicating with people but really its just more ways to ignore them. If you don't want to talk to me, SAY SO. At least have the bloody DECENCY and MANNERS to say so. Ignoring someone is simply rude and uncalled for. Don't get me wrong there are times when all you can do is ignore someone, but that is not the case with me at all. The way some people ignore me just goes to show that they have already judged me off of a 3 minute conversation or less or whatever! I hate judging people. I do my best to get to know someone before placing any kind of judgement about them. I learned in psychology class that we, as humans, judge others within a second upon seeing/meeting them. Less than a second if I remember right. To me that is just ridiculous. But some of these people I meet end up forcing my hand, I try hard to give them the benefit of the doubt, that for some reason they couldn't respond, but in most cases its just them ignoring me.
Everyone has their own road they must travel. Hard in their own way. But I sure hope that mine comes upon a friendly village soon, because like I said before, I am near the end of what I can take. Something has to change. Something has to give. Something.
