Some times I wish that God would take me instead of other people. Don't take that poor boy away in a car accident, take me instead. Don't take that woman with a bullet, take me instead.
Every time I see certain people, it always brings it back so vividly. I wish they would let me redeem myself. I messed up my one chance, according to stupid rules that I have no idea why they are there.
I had never planned on going. Never had the inclination, reason, motivation, or desire to go. But somehow I ended up going. I regret going only because of these memories that will never leave me. I regret coming back. I regret coming back so very much.
I regret so many things in my life. And I know that there is no point in regretting things, because you can't go back no matter how much you want to. You. Can't. Go. Back. I can't help it though, I feel it inside me and it makes me sad. I can't even stop crying.
Please Lord, don't take that baby, take me instead.
My life just seems so meaningless since I came back. Every time I take a step forward I'm somehow three steps back. I simply wish that I had stayed. I haven't been to church in a long time because I don't feel like I should be there since I chose to come back. But I know that is just a dumb excuse, I know that I have been forgiven. But I just seem to not be able to forgive myself. Don't you ever feel like you were meant to do something great? I had a chance to do something amazing and I messed it up. Maybe I can create something, like music, to inspire people to make up for my mistake. Just maybe I'll get a chance to do something. Maybe I can redeem myself in the future. I know it sounds silly, but I've always felt like I was meant for something great.
I was a missionary. If but brief. But I was one. I was told to never forget that. I served in the Singapore mission, which was Singapore and Malaysia. I chose to come back early, which I regret so deeply that my heart hurts and aches for a way to go back and change things. I have prayed many times concerning this matter.
My friend has decided to go on a mission. Which has brought mine to thought far stronger than it has for a long while. Go because you want to go. Go because you want to serve God. Go because you care about the people. Don't go because you will be blessed, or your family will be blessed, or because your family wants you to, or because you can't get married, or because you want to go somewhere new and different. Don't go for the wrong reasons, whatever they are. And don't you give up. Don't you EVER give up. God answers prayers. I know this firsthand. Don't come back until it is your time to come back. Go for the right reasons.
I don't want anyone's pity. I just wanted you to know. And for me to know as well, maybe writing it out will relieve the pain and heartache by a fraction of a sliver.
That old Englishman was right. I knew he was all along. I didn't listen to him. He was right. I regretted it. And still do. He was bloody right.
How can any one like me, when I hate myself? After coming back I was released and told the same thing that is told to all the others, to focus on school and finding someone to marry. But how can any one like me? They all want that returned missionary. They have this fixated ideal image of a guy, some find it, some don't. But no one even gives me the time of day, not a chance at all. I'm just dirt that is to be brushed aside. Maybe if they dusted me off they would see what is underneath all that dirt. If only they took a chance. I know this isn't very attractive, putting myself down. I'm normally confident. But hey, I'm breaking down here.
If only I had stayed. If only I could turn tomorrow into yesterday. The old man was right, always was. I can never forget these memories, they are burned into my skull. Burned into my skull. For forever. I will always welcome the rain to drench me, always. Because I can not forget. I will not forget. I see so many of their faces. I see so many of the places I went to, time and time again. I will never forget. I must not forget.
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