So Here We Are

I have things to say. As always. But I find it more and more difficult to get the right words out, let alone the feelings.

Its always the same old crap anyways. Lonely, depressed, wishing certain things would finally come to an end, hoping I can release all my regrets, wanting to fill this emptiness inside me, and who knows what else.

I feel like I can do nothing right and that my life is meaningless. I see a lot of people progressing in their lives and I seem to be standing still. I can't seem to move forward like other people, instead all I can do is walk in circles and revisit the same things over and over again. And so here we are at the beginning once again.

If I continue down the road any farther it will most likely not bode well with me. I must channel my energies in a positive and healthy way instead of sitting around being idle and letting my energy go to waste and with the possibility of becoming corrupt. I look at a certain individual and I don't want to end up as them, having done nothing of true value with their life except waste it away day by day by only caring for themselves and having fun. I could be wrong though, after all I don't see them all the time.

I just feel wronged by so many old "friends". I only have a mere handful of friends nowadays, and who truly knows which ones are real friends I can trust. I'm not just lonely in a companion sort of way but also in the friends category. I've always wanted a best friend that would last throughout all the years, kind of like the movie "13 Going On 30", but my life has been void of that kind of friendship. I did have one in elementary but they moved away and that void could never be filled by anyone. Too many people these days are flaky or untrustworthy, or simply talk bad about you behind your back. I've simply become ever-so-more introverted over the years. I tend to keep to myself very akin to a hermit. I'm sure I helped destroy some friendships, but only some, many more that I tried hard to keep together but my efforts were useless. Now I'll be lucky just to get a response to any kind of simple message or hello.

:/

I've given up on any kind of romantic relationship. If, or if not, anything happens, it'll be because it was supposed to. If I'm meant to remain single then so be it. If I find someone then it was meant to happen.

Me becoming more introverted and exhausting all options of meeting new people, even by being extroverted for moments, I've simply come to the conclusion that I'm done with the "dating" scene. If I could even get a date.

I feel some big change coming soon. I don't know why. But things in my life will definitely be changing with the wind that is coming in. Depending on what I choose, things will never be the same. That doesn't go too well with a stubborn Taurus who loves his routine of how things are and hates changing them. Not to mention if it is working why "fix" something that isn't broken? Sometimes though things can work more efficiently than they previously have been and will be better for you. Sometimes you don't know if the change will be better, its a gamble, a risk if you will, that you'll be taking that might benefit you or make things worse. Its definitely time to roll the dice and hope it comes out for the better. All I know is that its time for a change and its here. Things can't stay the way they are, its not good or healthy. I can't keep walking in circles anymore. I can't be standing at the bloody beginning anymore. I must progress forward. I have to.

I've said much more than I anticipated for. I meant for a quick, small rant of some sort and instead all that came out and no words are left. Especially since I paused for 5 minutes and 56 seconds to dance vigorously to "Queen - Bohemian Rhapsody" and came back with nothing left to say.