More Questons, No Answers

Oi 2012!!!!!

So I have been thinking and reflecting about what happened in 2011 in my life. My so-called rut has just been getting bigger and lasting longer. I had very little work in 2011, too little. A crappy call center job, imagine that of all things, because Utah is chock full of them. Then there was a few jobs here and there for a very small computer company. Nothing special. As for dating, hah. I'm trying to remember if I went on any dates this past year and I really don't recall going on any. That's right. NONE. Oh believe me when I say that I asked girls out. I get the same typical responses that I have been getting. "I have a boyfriend" - "Here is my phone number"(I call and they don't answer or its not really their number). Also in 2011, I didn't continue my schooling due to lack of work and money. Other things to note is that my friend came back from her mission and another friend came back from Iraq early. Moving on......

What really has been on my mind is people. We as human beings. Our population, what we do, how we act, what we strive for, how were have come so far along, so on and so forth. At this very moment in time I can't say that I'm happy, or sad, that I'm a human. I'm more in a neutral feeling in regards to my own existence, which is a bit odd I will admit.

I truly wish I lived in earlier times. For one, things were a bit easier back in the day, and I'm not talking about way back in med-evil times, more like 1900's, instead of being born in the 80's. At the very least I feel like I should of graduated in the 80's. There were less people back in the day. A lot less. The Earth's population has increased at such an insane rate. I think how much crap we consume and waste that I am just waiting for something to happen. And I'm pretty sure there are tons of other people thinking the same thing. With our population increasing so fast exponentially that something, something real soon, will be gone. Be it an animal species or multiple ones, fresh water, certain minerals and other resources. Many humans have no morals or values and are just greedy little buggers that care for nothing but filling their pockets with such silly things as currency even if it means destroying valuable animals, plants, and other things to do so. We also destroy things to prolong our lives and mass produce things so that we may survive. Which brings me to my next point; war. I know this may sound sick and twisted, even horribly demented, but now of all times a huge war is in need. Only in regards to keeping our population in check. I'm definitely pro life. But we are at the top of the food chain with all our fancy gimmicks and gizmos, leaving our population to do as it pleases. So-called Mother Nature keeps all the animals in check, no animal population truly gets out of hand. But we defy Mother Nature. We are an anomaly and an enigma that must be contained or things will be hitting the fan sooner than we think.

Most of the time what I read about or hear about tends to sicken me. How can people murder someone so easily? Rape someone else? Steal things? Abuse others physically, mentally, or verbally? It amazes me with what people do to one another. It is sad I tell you. People are simply becoming more inconsiderate as we progress, they aren't being taught how to be civil and have no manners thanks to the idiots who keep mass breeding their seed.

What got me thinking about all this you say? It came to me piece by piece, watching a shark show, going here and there, talking to family and friends, thinking of what I am "supposed" to be doing with my "life". The cherry on top though was tonight. Tonight I went to the Jazz vs. Bucks game, and on the way there I saw buildings we built and how we keep expanding and eating away the forests and animals so that we may build more useless buildings for companies selling stupid products or providing services, seeing the homeless people lined up for the shelter reminding me how grateful and lucky to not be in their shoes but seeing how poorly they live and get treated. Then at the game more thoughts rolled through my head. Here I am watching big guys who get paid lots of money to play a game and entertain people, how a lot of people cheer and act stupidly for a free t-shirt or ball, how pointless cheerleaders really are, how so many people come to this one big building and look down at the small area, the court, to watch this game. Looking down at the people on the front rows, thinking what they did or do to get seats like that, to enjoy what society has deemed as "high class" things like sitting in the front or eating fancy things like lobster and drinking fine wines.

It's just silly that we are born, grow up, go to school, then work. Some places are legit and good intentions and purposes, things that are USEFUL to society, but there are soooooo many dumb jobs and companies that it really is pointless. All we do is work so we can get money. We use money to shelter and feed ourselves and produce babies. All because we strive to survive. It is an endless cycle.

Some people sure got lucky in their career or in making their fortune of money. In end I'm pretty sure given the right time, situation, and circumstance, that anyone could shine in their own way. Maybe mine was in the 1920's, or when movies first started coming out, no one really knows when their shining moment was or is, except God. Why do others get to enjoy the good things in life while others struggle? I wish I could see parallel universes to see the outcomes of my life, where I would be if I did this or that, or if I was born in a different time.

Which brings me to companions. If I did things differently or was born in a different time would I be with someone now or even married? Makes me think that it would be nice if there was some sort of mathematical equation that by inputting the correct numbers would spit out a number of compatible mates for me. I thought about this the other day, there can't be just one person for everyone, it really is hard to think that there is a soul mate. I'm sure out of all the females in the world, roughly around my age, that there are several, if not more, that I would be happy with. But there are things to consider, such as attractiveness. I'll give you three categories - cute < pretty < gorgeous. Ideally you would want someone who is pretty or gorgeous, but you have to take cute into consideration based off another piece to the equation - personality. You take a cute girl with a great personality and she becomes more attractive, so now she is pretty. Same goes with a pretty girl becoming gorgeous because of her personality. It also works the other way around, a pretty girl with a bad personality will drop her down to cute. Finding the right combination is hard enough. Now another part to the equation is location. Amongst all the girls in the world, excluding certain types merely because I'm not really attracted to them, would leave several if not more out there across the globe most likely. Now meeting one that is pretty/gorgeous with a great personality is hard enough, but they have to think the same of you, which will definitely cut the numbers down, because lets face it you are not some girls type.

Pulling a hypothetical number out of the air, 17, lets say there are 17 girls that I find pretty/gorgeous with a great personality who also find me handsome/sexy with a great personality, what are the odds of me finding 1, or more, of these 17? Very slim I would say. The world is huge. And there are a LOT of people. What if I walk by one of them, or cross paths driving on the freeway, how am I to meet one of them? What if I only have a small window of opportunity to say and do the right thing? What if some of them were born in a different time/age/generation? Things like this bug me and gnaw my brain into further madness because it is a chain reaction, if God is all powerful and can easily change the course of our ship it hints towards that we are destined to do this or be that, which contradicts our ability of free will and the power to choose for ourselves. Because I'm sure that God can easily make us spill a drink, forcing us to do something different like move to the bathroom to clean it off of us, while someone walks by where we just were, etc etc, its the butterfly effect. He can make us meet someone that could play a huge role in our lives and changes things immensely or make us not meet someone, so on and so forth.

Maybe things are a mix of pre-destined things and free will. I could easily keep going on, like how our food and water supplies are being contaminated even though they get approved by companies, but after all we are human, we will think of ways or loopholes to do things how we see fit, to save money and blah blah blah, just like inmates in a prison who think of brilliant ways to do things. See what I mean? I could keep on going.

In the end, things just seem moot to me. Especially because I've waited, I've acted upon, I've trusted and prayed, and nothing changes. How am I supposed to support myself or a family if I can't progress myself? So that I can help bring more souls into this overcrowded and sad world that is spiraling down. Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of good hearted people out there, but they are outnumbered these days. It's hard to understand why I'm still alive when it seems I don't really play an important role in anybody's life. We sure try hard as a species to understand everything, but ultimately it comes down to this: we don't know all the answers.