A Dagger In My Heart

So yeah..... when I said tomorrow apparently I meant six days later. Thanks for holding that thought Harmony. :)

Last week, on Sunday, I went to church. The thing that hit me hard was the fact that I had to leave. I wanted to stay even though my church was over. Anyway, I left and came home. Upon entering my home I pretty much wanted to leave. I sat in my room not wanting to change out of my Sunday clothes. I literally sat on my bed for fifteen minutes, feeling weird and a bit down, because I didn't want to be there. I wanted more church because I know its true. I wanted more human interaction.

If you didn't already know, which I can pretty much can assume you don't, I don't really have friends. I'm a hermit. A recluse. A lone wolf. I have tried making new friends, to stay friends with old ones, but apparently nothing seems to work. And to be more specific, when I say friend I mean someone who you can talk to and tell them important things going on in your life, people you see and do things with on a weekly basis - more than once a week. Those kind of friends I have zero of. The ones I used to have: stopped being my friend for unknown reason, they got married, they moved, dating someone, or they became someone I don't really want to be around. Now I'm fine with it, I really am. This is NOT a pity party. I'm fine with doing things by myself or going places. But after so long it really drives something into your core being and you simply need more human interaction.

Touching back to last Sunday and the way I was feeling, the thought came upon me about dying. Don't worry I'm not an idiot and I'm not going to do anything of the sort. But I couldn't help but think that if I died, right now, that no one would miss me. With the only exception being my family. No one would really care or miss me, I can say this because of my long period of solitude ties into it. I'm not really helping anyone. I'm not apart of someones life actively, I'm not part of a company that needs me, or a ring of friends, or a team of some sorts, I'm not influencing anyone to do anything. The whole purpose is for us to help each other through this life, but there is no true purpose for me being here because no matter how many times I pray or for how long, and no matter how many times I try to meet and make new friends or ask a girl on a date, everything has come up empty. No, not empty. So empty and dry that when you touch it, it merely crumbles to dust in your hand. Yeah. Its that bad.

Being alone is rough. And I truly look forward to the day that I have a female companion next to me, so she can give me that look that says "You're being an idiot" or "Don't you dare do that", to keep me in line, to love, and to go to the temple with. Someone who has got my back and I have theirs. Two Sundays ago, someone giving a lesson mentioned a marriage is better off with 2 losers instead of 2 winners or 1 winner and 1 loser. It was quite good actually. 2 winners would always be fighting each other because they must win. While 1 winner and 1 loser only means the obvious, the winner wins everything. But 2 losers is priceless, because they will strive and help each other and they rise together by doing such.

Even though I have no true friends, and my family can only provide so much, you are never really alone. You will always have God, Jesus Christ, and The Holy Ghost. I can always know that no matter what I have done or where I am, that I am not alone, and I can pray to God. I've been trying to remind myself of this because I am definitely near the end of what I can take. I feel like I am about to snap in two pieces so hard. Something just has to change.

I am a simple human. I make mistakes. I have regrets. I have my weaknesses. The thing that upsets me is that my weaknesses cause mistakes and that I'm simply weak. It saddens my heart, yet angers me, because I want to be stronger. I want to be making the right and good choices. And I don't know how to become stronger. Another reason why other people, or friends, come in hand.

Those that know about my poetry, know that I usually only write one when I have a strong urge to do so. Its not really a thing of inspiration, its hard to describe. Anyway, I wrote a new one on the 10th of February, it is the first one I have written in two years. By my standards it isn't even that great, but if you so desire to read it you can ask and I can email it. Its interesting because poems remind me of masquerades, (which I think are AWESOME and would love to go to a fancy one), but those make me think of invitations, which was mentioned in church a while ago. We, as people, love to receive invitations. It doesn't matter what its for, we love them, because it shows that someone out there wants you to be present. Because you matter to someone so much that they want you there and went out of their way to invite you.

Another thing that has been on my mind is: manners. I'm not talking about table manners, but more along the line of manners between people and communication. I'm very keen on having good manners in every way, shape, and form. From chewing with your mouth closed, to saying "thank you" and "you're welcome", to proper introductions, to being a gentleman and opening doors for ladies and pulling out their chair for them. So when I text someone, especially a new person I have met recently, it really irks me when I don't get ANY text back. Its not just texts either, its online chatting, phone calls, emails, whatever. A comedian put it well, a female comedian(sorry I don't remember her name), but she said something about how nowadays we have all these great ways of communicating with people but really its just more ways to ignore them. If you don't want to talk to me, SAY SO. At least have the bloody DECENCY and MANNERS to say so. Ignoring someone is simply rude and uncalled for. Don't get me wrong there are times when all you can do is ignore someone, but that is not the case with me at all. The way some people ignore me just goes to show that they have already judged me off of a 3 minute conversation or less or whatever! I hate judging people. I do my best to get to know someone before placing any kind of judgement about them. I learned in psychology class that we, as humans, judge others within a second upon seeing/meeting them. Less than a second if I remember right. To me that is just ridiculous. But some of these people I meet end up forcing my hand, I try hard to give them the benefit of the doubt, that for some reason they couldn't respond, but in most cases its just them ignoring me.

Everyone has their own road they must travel. Hard in their own way. But I sure hope that mine comes upon a friendly village soon, because like I said before, I am near the end of what I can take. Something has to change. Something has to give. Something.