Unsuccessful At Success

What do the following have in common?

- Not finishing college
- Coming home from my mission early
- Not finishing my A+ certification
- Not getting my headshot taken for auditioning
- Stopped playing soccer/basketball
- Stopped learning ASL

The above list, (of the main things I can remember), all have been things that have been left unfinished.  Things that were left behind, things I gave up on, things I quit.

I'm really not a quitter.  Deep down inside this empty shell of mine I'm a fighter.  I will think and ponder until I can figure out an answer to a problem, especially ones that intrigue me.  I fight for what I believe in.

The thing that I keep thinking about when I look at that list is simply this: unsuccessful.


I am superbly successful at being unsuccessful.  The conclusion my brain keeps bringing up is: Am I afraid to succeed?  And I can't help but think on this question.  A lot.  Am I really afraid that I can make a difference?  Am I afraid that I can do whatever I want?  Am I afraid I can actually do something I like and be good at it?  Am I afraid that I can actually have a decent paying job to support a family?  I look at each thing on my list and the things not on it and I reflect upon them one at a time.  And in the end I really believe that I am afraid of success.  The thing is, I don't know why I am.

I have many useless skills.  I can make either eye go lazy, that can pretty much do nothing for me.  But other ones like having the uncanny ability to waste time like a professional definitely becomes a problem.  Along with my unmatched power to procrastinate anything and everything(not literally, but some times it rings all too true).  This isn't who I remember.  This isn't me.  And I don't know how to change it.

Take today for example.  I was supposed to call the college to set an appointment with the counselor, I was also supposed to study up on my math so I can take the math placement test (for the 3rd bloody time) so I don't have to take Math 1010 again.  Did I do either of  those?  No, not at all.  I didn't even do the dishes.  What did I do instead?  I wasted my time.  I don't know how so much of my time just disappears but it does.  Facebook doesn't help either.  Michelle is right on this topic, she talks about it in her blog, and she definitely has the right idea to stop using it.  It's not only a time waster, not always but far too often it is, it is depressing.  It really is.  "Oh you're married!!! And you've been married for many years!"  or "Oh you have kids and this nice job!" and it forces our human nature to compare all that crap to ourselves.  With me being so unsuccessful at success it brings me down.  I'm just trying to be the best me that I can be, but I really hate my human nature.

Some things on and off this list can be finished while others are already a done deal. 

I don't fail at life, I merely don't succeed at it.  I try and try and try.  And try some more.  Looks like the hand dealt to me has "unsuccessful" written all over it.  All I can do is play my hand the best way possible and take what tricks I can.  For now.