So, I went to church for the first time in a long time.
Wow, really. Can I not write without crying? I am so messed up.
I haven't gone to church because I don't feel like I should because I came home early from my mission. The stupid thing is I know that is wrong, but I don't go anyways. I went to church because one of my oldest friends was giving their homecoming speech. She did a good job giving her talk, she also looked very beautiful. Only a few people know of our history, the full of it, and I doubt that she harbors feelings for me. Which is probably good because I seem to be an emotional wreck. Plus my crappy luck with girls plays a role as well.
She mentioned in her talk about when she had a hard time and wanted to come home but she didn't have her family or friends to help her out. She learned how to rely on Christ. Then I look at my mission and I hate myself so much.
Also in her talk she mentioned about being in a certain place, at a certain time, doing what needs to be done. All mission related and such. Which got me thinking, why was I supposed to go on a mission and then come back home so early? WHY?????? What was the bloody freaking purpose of me going and coming back?! WHY?! WHAT THE HELL FOR?! WHYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!???????????????????
Another friend that was there told me her story of how she had been planning on going on a mission and was determined that nothing would stop her, not even a guy. She had been filling out her papers and then....... she met a guy and ended up marrying him in a very short time frame. She was saying how things that like happen when you least expect them. I used to believe that, but its hard to believe when nothing happens. She also said that maybe the girl isn't ready for me maybe.
I had the urge to hurt myself or do something stupid, but I know that is just Satan trying his best to mess with me. I do plenty of stupid things without the help of others. I'm sure glad I have music, I don't know why but it helps me a lot.
I really don't know why I went and came back. Who did I affect? What was the purpose? Why do I still regret coming back? Why do I hate myself for coming back? Why am I so lonely? Why? WHY? Too many questions and never any answers. I think I'm done. Yeah, I'm done.
On A Freezing Chicago Street
Posted by
J-Vicious
Monday, July 20, 2009
2 comments:
hey...i found your blog through blog hopping on my friends blog...ever do that. Your blog is very interesting to read. I started a blog out of needing an outlet too..it was exactly what I needed. I just want you to know that my hubby came home early from his mish. He got injured in an accident and was told he could return stateside if he wanted to finish but he was devasted by the accident and decided not to go out again. This haunted him for years. He went inactive for many years. Eventually he returned but not without a lot of issues around those things. Sounds like you are having a tough time. I just want you to know you arent alone...or the first missionary to have come back early and you shouldnt keep beating yourself up about it. Hang in there time does make things better. Dont give up going to church either. Also no worries on the girl thing...It never mattered to me that my hubby didnt finish his mission. it was his heart that mattered most to me. :)
Thank you. Your comment meant a lot to me.
I know I shouldn't keep beating myself up for what I chose to do, but my mind keeps insisting on it. It wants me to never forget the people or the truth.
As for girls, they never care to learn my heart. Eventually one will, maybe.
And time does heal things. It always does. The scar and memories will always remain, but most of the pain will be healed.
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